"Me I was holding all of my secrets soft and hid. Pages were folding then there was nothing at all. If this is redemption why do I bother at all? There's nothing to mention and everything has changed. But I'd rather be working at something than praying for the rain. So I wander on till … Continue reading Day 186
"Rain came pouring down when I was drowning. That's when I could finally breathe again" Losing your mind is a deceptive process. The grief cycle is not different from the addiction cycle. Addiction just piggybacks grief in my situation. You harm not only yourself but those around you. You are selfish and self centered as … Continue reading Day 170
"For in our great sorrow we learn what joy means." -Sleeping at Last (Sorrow) Do you ever wonder if this is it? Like everyone knows that you're broken in that way that is never fixed. Whether in the shadows or just covering every inch of you like a second skin. They intently watch as you … Continue reading Day 144
It's starting. I am morphing. Again. This time it's this beautiful, warm, sweet smelling gust of fresh air. All the times before I would take gasps of air. Short. Harsh. Cold. This is not that. I remember when I had been at footprints for a month I had the same feeling. I felt comfortable in … Continue reading Day 114
Till death do us part When exactly do you become not a wife? Where is the line where you decide it's ok that fate stole your "life" partner from you? Does the sting ever dissipate? Is there some fucking cloud that hangs over you until finally the wind blows again? How do you literally continue … Continue reading Day 103
"If you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones. 'Cause most of us are just heaving through corrupted lungs. And if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones. 'Cause most of our feelings they are dead and they are gone." - Daughter Empty. Today I have felt completely empty. It seems as time progresses I also … Continue reading Day 96
Defeat It has only been a quarter of a year. It has somehow been an entire quarter of a fucking year without you. Grief is this endless bullshit cycle where one minute you are present for your “former” life and then you’re present for your life at this exact point. I consistently feel lost in … Continue reading Day 90
Coincidence? Tonight I attended an African tribal dance circle. Yep! You heard me right. 😂 let's be honest ok? It was not what my head had created. In the beginning self was so so loud. It was torture. As we began the lights remained on! Ummmmm excuse will you kindly shut that shit off?! Thank … Continue reading Day 87
I haven't been writing. I haven't taken the time to acknowledge my feelings in almost a month now. I have internally gone through the thought processes with brief moments of weakness but man I can snap my shit back together like a champ! I made it through Christmas there were bumps..... a shit ton of … Continue reading Day 83
Annoyance Let's talk about something that I literally get to deal with on a daily basis. To the people that call or approach me just to say "did you ever find out what happened to him" YOU ARE A FUCKING ASSHOLE! Nope no I do not know but honestly if I did I would not … Continue reading Day 66
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