Day 186

“Me I was holding all of my secrets soft and hid. Pages were folding then there was nothing at all. If this is redemption why do I bother at all? There’s nothing to mention and everything has changed. But I’d rather be working at something than praying for the rain. So I wander on till someone else is saved.” -James M

Where to begin.
So much has changed in the past month or so. I can’t really say if internally I am better or worse but I do know I am getting stronger. Returning from Washington I promised myself that I WOULD do what is the very BEST for the kids. Unlike the past I would push through my cowardice and pride. When I begin to feel cloudy I had created a support system around me to fall back on. Diving into grief therapy, exploring options for medication, speaking my truth for the first time in a very long time, doing my laundry when I really didn’t want to or just taking a minute to breathe as the kids had total meltdowns. It was in these chaotic moments that suddenly every thing started seeming clear. That’s not to say that anything is really clear. Just that part of the fog maybe lifting. I sat in the kitchen speaking with my aunt this evening recounting everything that led up to my move to Prescott and shortly before that. When I look back on my life it’s amazing to see how much I am capable of building when I put my mind to it. But much like those months years ago now I feel lost, lonely, empty, and scared. I am not sure how to even put one foot in front of the other many days. Yet somehow I open my eyes each morning and hear my baby cooing and I just know that I can keep doing this. I know I can. The other night I had a dream that I was waiting for Dave because he was at work. For some reason I was holding his wedding ring and was waiting to talk to him. As I held it was like a crazy presence was washing over me it was calming and comforting. Green and yellow just so beautiful. Then I put the ring down on the nightstand because I had to leave. For some reason I went somewhere and when I came back I looked at the nightstand in a mirror to find that the ring was gone and in its place where screws and his tools. I woke up in tears this was one of the first times he had reached out. If it’s even him reaching out. That’s the worst part about death is that you never know if your brain is trying to make it better and creating something that doesn’t exist. Or if possibly maybe that person is still here. That they’re just something different but they’re still the same soul that you connected with. Keep your fingers crossed for my small little family and I that our new location works out. I’m not sure how many more times I can uproot my life or my children’s.