Day 90

Defeat

It has only been a quarter of a year.  It has somehow been an entire quarter of a fucking year without you.  Grief is this endless bullshit cycle where one minute you are present for your “former” life and then you’re present for your life at this exact point. I consistently feel lost in the gray between the two.  Although I KNOW three months is no time….. it really isn’t. My life feels like three four years out. So much has happened since D-Day. My whole life is settling into this fucked up place where he almost didn’t exist at all. This protection technique I created has helped me but the guilt that I am not outwardly grieving or showing my truth at any particular time weighs on me. I wonder if he is resentful constantly. I second guess every single step, decision, thought I have or might have. There have been countless nights sitting in my room literally yelling at nothing and no one because at the end of the day he is not here. I’m starting to believe that spirits or ghosts are something our mind creates for comfort or manifests out of extreme emotional distress. I’m not sure I want to continue lying to myself it seems counterproductive. I have been able to remain in a state of movement since the day after he died but this too will die off. I will be become exhausted even more than I am now. Somehow. I will eventually feel the weight of this picture perfect life I manufacture for you, for me, for them. How do you plan for something that you don’t fully comprehend? I want to remain positive and someone seen as “strong” but really I am just an angry and weak bitch. I don’t know I guess this too shall pass. Ugh fuck that feels like bullshit. Is today over yet?