Day 187

“Pick it up. Pick it all up and start all over again. You’ve got a warm heart you’ve got a beautiful brain but it’s disintegrating down from all the medicine. You can still be what you want to be. What you said you were when you me.” -Daughter

This is me completely stripped at the end of a challenging physically and emotionally day. This is how I look most of the time. I’m definitely not a fancy lady no matter how many times I’ve tried. It’s just me getting through another day. I have been struggling a lot with anger lately. A lot. Not at anything in particular just angry. It’s really difficult. I want to have something to be mad at. Some reason to feel this insane rage. I have found that so many who have no experienced such extreme turbulence in their lives can not grasp the depth of it all. They can be a lending ear or there while you sob in your tub praying to be released from a life no one wants but they can’t really understand. Widowhood is incredibly lonely. Pretty much always. There are those out there too that find things like their relationship status saying widowed (when they are not) funny. PS world it’s not. Seriously it’s not and it’s hurtful. I am not saying I am special but in this age we should not be belittling people in any kind of relationship status. Honestly it has opened my eyes too. How many times have I said I’m homo for a girl? Probably 827,557,954 times. I didn’t realize that even though I thought it’s funny there are people struggling with that very real thought. It’s difficult to not let something like that get under your skin. I am more than ready to be further in my life. Not that I EVER will forget him but I want peace so bad. I’m beyond exhausted with this roller coaster I have been riding most of life. I thought when I met Dave that this was it. I was finally going to have a family and build our lives together and one day when we’re old as shit we would feel we had accomplished all we set out for. No matter how big or small. I do have a family obviously but sometimes it’s just too much for one person. Other people feel that way all the time I know. It just seems so different from any other obstacle I’ve overcome. It’s not like getting sober where you take the drugs out and do maintenance and you should be ok one day. It is not dealing with mental health. No pill on earth can stabilize this. It is not trauma from my past. I see him in our children more and more each day. Ugh I don’t know this entry is just a rant. I am human and I am struggling today. It’s definitely not an optimistic view all the time. This my raw grief. 😑😒