Day 114

It’s starting. I am morphing. Again. This time it’s this beautiful, warm, sweet smelling gust of fresh air. All the times before I would take gasps of air. Short. Harsh. Cold. This is not that. I remember when I had been at footprints for a month I had the same feeling. I felt comfortable in my skin. Confident in who I was, proud of how I showed up for those I loved. Listen though ok? I am FAR from perfect. I fuck up constantly whether big or small but I strive to pause, learn, and grow. That’s the goal right? To consistently find the very best version of yourself. When I look around I am surrounded by so much love even in the chaos. We all know I was lost in the chaos the past month or so but so what that’s my grief cycle 😊 the sun is rising and I can finally open my eyes and see. I have family in all facets of my life. Ones that not only care for and love my children like their own but show up for me when I need them most. Usually without even knowing what they are doing it’s just who they are. Ones that keep me sane through the sometimes grueling work weeks. They show up early in the morning if I need to just not be alone. In their union suits so I remember to smile no matter what or just watch a raunchy movie 🌭I have my sisters from literally the beginning of my “real” life. I know no matter what the girls I went through growing pains with will always show up if I reach out. I love that in times of extreme highs and lows nothing can keep us apart 💕I have the strength of an entire tribe that helps me prove to myself class after class that perseverance pays off. I am also incredibly blessed to have such an amazing family both blood and married that support, love, and lift me up constantly. Last night I sat with my son watching videos of his dad and looking over pictures. He hasn’t said much about his dad but when he does I want to honor Dave and show Aj all the memories they created. This is no easy task explaining to a three year old why daddy isn’t here anymore. When I’m in my shit I close my eyes as tight as I can and struggle to see how lucky I am. My husband died but he left me with an amazing structure of support to surround me and remind me I am capable. I am strong. I can do this. I am unequivocally me.