Day 170

“Rain came pouring down when I was drowning. That’s when I could finally breathe again”

Losing your mind is a deceptive process. The grief cycle is not different from the addiction cycle. Addiction just piggybacks grief in my situation. You harm not only yourself but those around you. You are selfish and self centered as if you had been in addiction for the past decade. I used to live just to get through that day I didn’t care if I was present for my children or not. I wasn’t present for myself. Yet I lied to myself and said I was making progress. I truly believed I was getting better up until just minutes before running towards the edge of the metaphorical skyscraper. Then only once I was free falling did I understand all of the small, medium, gigantic lies i had been telling myself. I find more and more each day how much pain I was stuffing on a daily basis. Borderline unbearable at times. Now that I can be present I understand why I pushed it as far as I could. The thing is once your eyes are open that’s it. They are open and now you push forward into the complete unknown fearless while filled with fear. You just do your very best and push forward. Eventually it will get better right? As I look forward I know only two things. That I love my children and that I am not alone even when it feels like it. Today I went to the grave of a man I never knew but that meant a lot to Dave. The day was cool and windy but as I pulled up the sun came out. I sat there for a half hour next to him sobbing and word vomiting everything. Poor guy. In the end I asked a question I had been asking often and got a response in the form of a bird out of nowhere. I asked again and stood up taking a step towards the bird expecting it to fly away instead it stayed in it’s place singing. Some may say that is nothing but to me it was everything I needed at that very moment. We are all connected by our stories and as we well know we all have a story; mine is just a few extra plot twists.