Day 96

“If you’re still breathing, you’re the lucky ones. ‘Cause most of us are just heaving through corrupted lungs. And if you’re still bleeding, you’re the lucky ones. ‘Cause most of our feelings they are dead and they are gone.” – Daughter

Empty. Today I have felt completely empty. It seems as time progresses I also feel the landslide of emotion pressing down. My mask keeps me pushing forward always but inside is almost always the opposite. The grief cycle is cruel and unforgiving. While for me shock was but a blip in the vast darkness to come, I have witnessed that for many it is a moment relived time and time again. I have also been fortunate with sadness. She creeps in only when I am too weak to elude her. Like a booty call she shows up stays for an hour or so and leaves until she is ready again. Anger. Oh boy anger is my best defense! I can easily get anger. I feel safe when I’m angry. No one can say or do anything to me when I’m angry. But anger is a product of pain. I currently hold a very strong resentment against a family that hurt me. The minute I see them or even hear their names I cringe and brace myself for the wave. Anger is a huge character defect that I ABSOLUTELY love. Bargaining is something I think I do unknowingly but not in the way one would think. Mostly in situations such as if I do this show me a sign you’re still around. I wonder how often I actually bargain with myself? I’m going to pay attention. The final one is acceptance…….. why oh why the fuck does every damn thing in life lead to some form of acceptance! How do you ever fully accept that you’re children no longer have a father? How do you except that you are now fully responsible for THREE fucking lives! You alone! You don’t. I can accept that he did die. I can accept that it was his time and these things happen. I can show up for others struggling and remind them of what an amazing life he was able to experience. I say these things and believe it but when I go to sleep at night I cannot accept my empty bed. Ugh 😑 fucking grief. Fucking recovery. Fucking adulting. Another day down rest of my life to go 😒