Day 103

Till death do us part

When exactly do you become not a wife? Where is the line where you decide it’s ok that fate stole your “life” partner from you? Does the sting ever dissipate? Is there some fucking cloud that hangs over you until finally the wind blows again? How do you literally continue to force yourself out of bed every god damn morning? How far down does one go before you even just glance back to see the safe comforting glow of light again? I have been low. I have lived in total darkness for years even but this, this is a whole new creature. This rabbit hole morphs around me. It swallows me alive and tries to extinguish any flickering. Any sign of hope. It searches, waits, and attacks. Grief just can’t seem to find the heart of the light. In the process however I am drowning. Slowly and there is nothing anyone or anything could do. Like that fucking Green Day song like ten years ago “I walk a lonely road. The only one that I have known. I don’t know where it goes but it’s home to me and I walk alone.” Can I be anymore of a emo twelve year old wearing only Hot Topic?!??!?? For god sake! It’s so true though I have become accustomed to dealing with life’s difficulties solo as I’m sure many of us do. At the end of the day you can be surrounded by people but still feel the sludge of despair creeping at your feet.

“Capable of more than we know. With each year our color fades slowly the paint chips away but we must find the strength and nerve it takes to repaint and repaint and repaint.”

8 thoughts on “Day 103

  1. Beautifully written. I can relate to all of it. Every day I have to remind myself all over again that he is not here. Everyone keeps saying time will make it easier and I know they mean well but sometimes I even ask myself do I actually want it to be easier. Wouldn’t that mean I’ve forgotten him… All I can say to you is that you’re brave and keep going.


      1. Thank you.
        I really admire how you write about your feelings. I have tried and I haven’t been able to do it, that’s why I’m still writing about the past.
        As much as it’s heartbreaking to know someone else is growing through the similar struggles, it is comforting too in a weird way, knowing I’m not alone. Keep going strong. You are amazing.

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s