It’s like sludge Beginning to fill my lungs I know this feeling I knew it was coming It always returns Loss becomes me I am not scared Not as I was last year I know you are here I know that in the end I will find only this I can endure this storm … Continue reading Day 727
“There's no shadow you won’t light up. Mountain you won’t climb up coming after me” -Reckless Love (Cory Ashbury) I must have been forgiven.... For something... I feel as though I am sitting still in the middle of the rock concert. So surreal to finally step back to see the whole picture. Reprioritizing one area … Continue reading Day 726
(The duality of processing trauma) Are you processing grief or processing loss? When a heavy “grief wave” comes is it really just loss? This question was posed to me and I struggled to find a response. Grief has been everything. All I've known for years now. What if I am the one keeping myself sick? … Continue reading Day 725
"Good God, what have I done? Gone and left the only one That ever really, truly, deeply loved me Honestly, how stupid could I be? My poor heart your demons want You turned dark, picked out a gun In the incapable hands of your master Downworth spiral, bound for disaster" "You are not well.” My … Continue reading Day 703
I wanted to say I miss the days when it was easy. I wanted to but as soon as the thought crossed my mind I felt dizzy. Deep breath Deep breath Grief is about growth About becoming the very best .0 you could hope to be Independently Well somewhat Does a ghost count? What about … Continue reading Day 701
"Oh God, Where are you now? And what you gonna do About the mess I've made If there was ever a soul to save It must be me It must be me Dear god, Oh how can I survive? Will I make this drop this dive? When it all comes to this I'm looking down … Continue reading Day 699
My boss looked over smiling “How was your weekend?” Immediately I began internally monologuing: Meals cooked – 6 Loads of laundry – 2 Times I laid on the ground so overwhelmed with my own emotions – 5 Tears in church – 26 Moments where I romanticized suicidality – 78 and ½ “It was good, lots … Continue reading Day 697
My mind has been quiet. I hear only the sound of waves splashing into the dock. Or the land meeting the water. A cool but comforting breeze with each impact. The recesses of my mind are bringing up Annapolis. I watch the video of the water I took. The buoy gently rocking and ringing in … Continue reading Day 694
"Days went by, And amusement cried, I decide to let My soul fly on by itself, Pick happiness up and Bring it back to the shelf We'll be okay one day, In a valley we will stay” -O.A.R.I received your mom’s book today. Well really yesterday but I needed to muster up the courage to … Continue reading Day 693
I cursed God earlier. “Coward” I gruffly whispered walking away. I often feel abandoned by ..... probably everything. Especially this. I was defeated. Until I realized I had one of those weekends I prayed to God for. For years now. It’s terrifying. We went to Ikea and mutually agreed that IS ground zero. We super … Continue reading Jeepers
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