Day 694

My mind has been quiet.

I hear only the sound of waves splashing into the dock.

Or the land meeting the water.

A cool but comforting breeze with each impact.

The recesses of my mind are bringing up Annapolis.

I watch the video of the water I took.

The buoy gently rocking and ringing in the distance.

I live for these sounds.

Taking a deep breath to remember the feeling of your existence in my space.

Sitting on that balcony.

Waiting for you to wake up.

I felt known, acknowledged, appreciated on that early morning.

How sad you were to wake up to the clouds surrounding our view.

That was my most favorite part you know.

Moving to Virginia was navigating through my fog to find land again, my dear earth.

You always fed my spirit even when you thought you were lacking.

I still haven’t be able to delete that video of you snoring.

And drooling.

God I was so in love with you.

So many corners of my mind still are.

With crazy, dickhead, stubborn, engineering, all too sensible, uncontrollably in love with a dead woman you.

Although we both brushed it off as my Gemini mind running with a reality of my own making.

I loved you.

For you.

Wholeheartedly.

I had mentioned in passing how I could barely remember the ocean.

That next trip for interviews you brought me to the closest thing to an ocean you could.

I remember thinking in that moment that you loved me.

Quickly my mind reiterates that you in fact did not.

Hence why we have come to this place.

Do you not miss me?

Because no matter how hard I try I cannot not think about you.

Memories of the way you’d pull me close and breathe deeply to remind me how.

I need that so badly and far far too often for others to understand.

Raising my arms above my head for you to come and intertwine your fingers among mine.

Secrets whisper in the dark.

The way your fingertips danced in the indentation in the small of my back.

Gently wisping along my hips and waist.

The endless nights talking about nothing and everything all at once.

Delicious feasts, intrigue, adventure, growth, home, and the rain.

The smell of your pillow.

The creak of that fifth stair.

The feeling of consistency

I miss it.

I miss you.

I want so badly to let this go.

All of it.

As much as I don’t want you to be a “laugh I would recognize anywhere” the truth is you have become emotionally abusive in my mind.

Perhaps not in person but we both know my lines of reality skew.

That is why I ventured out.

The constant I want you but I don’t want YOU.

The back and forth of “I love you but I am not and will not be in love with you”

Why waste all that time?

Why text?

Why be there through everything to disappear as soon as I do what you told me to?

I must have harmed another.

In the way only pain can pay for pain.

I must have been Marie Antoinette.

Mother of Hitler.

Something evil to the core.

A meat puppet void of any light.

To deserve the anguish I exist in.

Even when I am happy.

I am happy.

Don’t get me wrong.

He came from nowhere.

He asks for nothing and gives all I begged you to give.

I just can’t seem to give him the parts of me that live in your home.

I can’t trust as openly as I did with you and not expect to hurt.

Again.

Please god release me from this obsession.

I want to be content for more than a few hours.

This restlessness is eating away at my soul.

Withering my spirit

Helping none and harming all.

Free me.