Author: theoptimisticwidow

I’m at an incredibly difficult stage in my grief. As you have seen I grieve HEAVY and quite often. But this. This feels like quicksand. And I don’t know if I’m strong enough. I think it is similar to the ones before. I felt it coming. I knew that at any second it would hit … Continue reading Day 522

*This song has gotten me through so many difficult times. I look exhausted because I am. Thank you for allowing me the space to share my soul so openly* I’ve been struggling I think for awhile now. I didn’t even notice it creeping in. It had become such a part of me that I didn’t … Continue reading Day 519

The existence of a widow is one of the cruelest. To know what it’s like to fall asleep next to your best friend every night. To wake up to the sound of them breathing. To always have someone in your corner no matter the battle. Then suddenly nothing. Not a thing. Just silence. Emptiness. My … Continue reading Day 517

"If only you knew- the sunlight shines a little brighter, the weight of the world's a little lighter, the stars lean in a little closer all because of you. I want to see you lift your chin a little higher, open your eyes a little wider, speak your mind a little louder, 'cause you are … Continue reading Day 513

I felt weak today. My body was tired. Demanding to be heard. The opening was they all needed. Devious minions. The ghost of my past have been doing a Mexican hat dance around me. The loudest one currently is the one who abused me at 15. He was not a bad person overall. I don’t … Continue reading Day 510

My heart is so heavy Sitting at the kitchen table without Tucker to try to steal the kids food is so foreign. I actually miss him grabbing the chicken from Izzy’s hand. Something that drove me nuts at the end of a long day. On Tuesday my soul knew. I heard my aunt and uncle … Continue reading Tuk Mon

*Crunch* *Crunch* I know that sound. I love hate that sound. The reassuring noise of the gravel beneath me as I walk deeper into my own labyrinth. God “the pit of my stomach is a dark fucking place.” I guess some days, months, years ...... No! Some lives are just more challenging overall. Eventually it … Continue reading Day 508

I made the mistake of thinking about us. Suddenly the oxygen was depleted around me. I became a vessel once again. I looked around at my room unable to identify anything. I was a stranger in my own life. Izzy starts babbling just waking up from her nap. *gasp* Nothing Like I am existing on … Continue reading Day 502

This is a video from November 2017. I made it for this amazing group I am apart of called Stigmatized: The Suicide Survivors Journey. To share my story. The part I don't like to share. I never posted it for them at the time. I was beyond scared to be completely vulnerable. After making it … Continue reading Day 501