I felt weak today.
My body was tired.
Demanding to be heard.
The opening was they all needed.
The ghost of my past have been doing a Mexican hat dance around me.
The loudest one currently is the one who abused me at 15.
He was not a bad person overall.
I don’t think he wanted to be at least.
I have been looking back on that time as I approach the age he was at the time.
I can’t understand.
He was married.
Had three amazing children.
Had a job.
Nothing was really wrong.
Except inside of him.
I have spend years telling myself and others that this is my past. It doesn’t effect me anymore. That was then. I am stronger. Smarter because of it. The truth is I carry the damage from him in a million ways each day. In my relationship. The way I parent. The way I flinch when spoken to kindly. In the way my stomach flips when I am alone.
I tell myself these were not his intentions but I also am not him nor do I know his motives.
The worst part of him was the pure negligence towards his children. I did not love him but I know without a doubt I loved them. As my own. The day they were ripped from me haunts me even 13 years later. I am grateful that their mother has understood all of these years. Sending pictures and updates to reassure me that his decisions did not destroy them as it did for me.
He was the grime reaper of innocents.
As my life progresses, even with all I endured in the years following his abuse, he lingers. Like a stray cat begging for food. His essence calls to me reminding me that I was his to demolish when he pleased. The truth of the matter is I was never his and that’s what angered him most. I am not weak though. I may have a broken and battered little girl inside but I have met those who remind me I am a whole. Not an object to be thrown in a corner or used to gain self satisfaction. As the kids grow I hope they know the strength and light they hold. I pray, pray, pray they never feel these demons as I do. I have had children since I was a child myself; I hope if anything they know that in the darkness they were loved unwaveringly. Nothing changes the way you love your children. No action. No lack of presence. No time.