I made the mistake of thinking about us. Suddenly the oxygen was depleted around me. I became a vessel once again. I looked around at my room unable to identify anything. I was a stranger in my own life.
Izzy starts babbling just waking up from her nap.
*gasp*
Nothing
Like I am existing on Mars again.
“Good afternoon” I greet with a fake smile desperately trying to convince myself.
She pulls back.
Even she knows when Mommy isn’t Mommy.
What do I do?
Sometimes the thought of you feels like a death march. Take me to the guillotine. I don’t fear it. It’s the constant wait. Driving me to insanity.
Recently I have pushed.
Pushed anything about you ten feet from my soul for fear that you will freeze it once again.
So sad.
I know that is not you.
It is my mind coming to grips with the reality that this is my life now.
A year and a half out and STILL I gasp when I remember you are gone.
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
You existed.
You were part of me.
You are gone.
😢
Ugh grief.
You insidious motherfucker. I hate you.
The Optimistic Widow 