Day 517

The existence of a widow is one of the cruelest.

To know what it’s like to fall asleep next to your best friend every night. To wake up to the sound of them breathing. To always have someone in your corner no matter the battle. Then suddenly nothing.

Not a thing.

Just silence.


My body is at war with my spirit. All I feel is the desolation left in its wake.

I miss my life partner.

My #1 fan.

My husband.

I don’t know if this ache will ever fade. If I will somehow look back on our time and smile without tears in my eyes. If possibly I can find my way out of this cavern of grief for more than just days at a time. I know. I KNOW! It used to be just seconds but this longing grows stronger with each gap. So I’ll switch on my light in hopes that my imagination will not run rampant in the dark. Maybe illuminate my path out once again. To feel the fucking sun on my skin.

Until finally it comes again.

Tugging on my leash.

Beckoning me home.

To the cold.

To the ground.

To where I feel him most.

I know this doesn’t make sense to most. It’s not supposed to.

While I wait for the dark I sing to the light.

Like a bird.

In a cage.

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