I’m at an incredibly difficult stage in my grief.
As you have seen I grieve HEAVY and quite often.
This feels like quicksand.
And I don’t know if I’m strong enough.
I think it is similar to the ones before.
I felt it coming.
I knew that at any second it would hit me.
But knowing and preparing do little to ease that initial crash.
Before I was so early on in my grief I didn’t realize that there was hope.
And so I gave in.
To so many harmful habits.
But now I know that there is.
I’m starting the beginning stages of my own real hope.
Not that manufactured bullshit created as a scapegoat prayer.
I am NOT willing to let that go.
I’m really not.
I don’t understand why grief can’t just grow with you.
Why it HAS to come and attack.
When you’re actually doing ok.
I’m so angry.
I’m so fucking angry and I don’t want to be.