I’m not lost. I’m exploring. I keep coming back to this place where you are supposed to find: Life. Forgiveness. Salvation. Freedom. I come here in faith that maybe.... maybe my soul will rattle. Standing among those who believe I feel stuck in the very tomb that is supposedly to fall if you utter surrender. … Continue reading Day 689
I thought about the steam rising from the concrete today. How a mist covered all spaces one would want mist, to feel alive. I had on beautiful indie acoustic. Hand out the window Fingers playing with the clouds passing by. I took a deep breath and smiled one of those smiles you have as your … Continue reading Day 687
They say you can see exactly how someone loves you by the way they photograph you. May we never stop trying to capture the feeling of right now. It’s like an itch I just can’t not scratch it It took me longer than you I fought it I didn’t believe the words that fell from … Continue reading Day 674
“God I love that smell” There it is. Man wash. Manpoo. Beard conditioner? They make that stuff? All of these wonderful, glorious, exhilarating masculine smelling items littered about my bathroom. “You’re smiling to yourself again” whispered with a giggle under the hot water. Steam encompassing me. Showers have always been my safe space. Baths too. … Continue reading Day 672
I have been writing about you a lot. Heavy on my mind always. As the years of grief continue it seems that my missing you blends seamlessly with my longing for Dave. I catch myself often looking towards the skies and asking as a unit the next move. Then I digress into knowing the parts … Continue reading Day 659
I woke up to the feeling of your breath gently rustling the peach fuzz on my shoulder. You didn’t know yet but I had made the decision to let myself fall for you. Laying there with you pretzeled throughout my limbs I could not help but smile. Here was this man. The most random of … Continue reading Day 656
I shed the Ging Like a snake skin It was itching my spirit Over and over this consistent reminder of who I was. Who I am not. I took a deep breath “Shake the bottle” I said out loud to an empty bathroom. Placed a decent dollop in my palm and *splat* No turning back … Continue reading Day 646
*hiss*I hear you.I can’t help but laugh.Do I make evil that nervous?I must.He’s sending his army of snakes, rats, roaches.Vial falling from their lips as if the same old poison would harm me. Silly fools.Come.Slither.Crawl.Scratch.Your jealously is sickening. I will not fall for the same ploys that girl I once was mistook for kindness.Come.Feed my … Continue reading Day 632
“And you, you were the one I treated the worst. Only because you loved me the most.” You know those moments when you cry out to God? "Please have mercy on me.” *silence* " I am weak. I am exhausted. I have trusted in you and I feel FUCKING FORSAKEN!” *silence* Laying on my floor … Continue reading Day 629
Losing Nick has been hard. Suffocatingly so. I couldn’t understand why it was so painful. Besides the obvious. This though. This was a monsoon. “The rain came pouring down just when I was drowning” -TS It had felt as if I were actually making headway with Dave grief. I was immersed in that place. Breathing … Continue reading Day 624
optimisticwidow.com 