How long have I been dying? What is it like to wake up next to someone you have been married to for the past 50 years? Looking next to you at this person you have literally spent your whole life with. Laughing to yourself about the first gray hair freak out. Or all the creams … Continue reading Day 335
Fuck I saw this picture scrolling through. I stopped momentarily only to realize I wasn't breathing and kept going. Inception. The tiniest idea left to my own devices. So begins the spiraling: Pictures from 2015 holding people that don't exist anymore. Playlists. Messages. Posts. Videos. Utter regret. Lately it feels like my walls are crumbling. … Continue reading Day 334
People come in and out of our lives. Many leaving less than lasting impressions. There are those though that walk in and you wonder how you even functioned the week before. I have two coworkers that have literally changed the course of my grief path. Little do they know the impact they have left. When I … Continue reading Day 332
"I'm sorry Taylor can't come to the phone now. Why? Because she's dead." -T Swift I feel like maybe he's trying to talk to me. All outlets in my life are running towards the same conclusion: I am not the same Jessica I used to be and that's ok. That's ok. This evening I was … Continue reading Day 331 (and 1/2)
Me: Aj were you a superhero during your nap at the doctor? Aj: No no no Mama. Aj.Daddy. Park. Sleep. 😧 Three nights ago I laid in bed staring at my son. Taking in the rise and fall of his chest, holding him close while he watched Monsters Inc for the hundredth time. Seeing your … Continue reading Day 331
"Why did you leave me here to burn? I'm way too young to be this hurt. Do you care? Do you care? Why don't you care? I was there. I was there when no one was. Now you're gone and I'm here. I have questions. I have questions haunting me." -Camila Cabello I am losing … Continue reading Day 303
"Slow down. Start again from the beginning. I can't stop my head from spinning out of control. Is this what being vulnerable feels like? And I run the risk of being intimate with my brokenness. Through this magnifying glass I see a thousand finger prints on the surface of who I am." -SAL #blackwidowx2 Although … Continue reading Day 288
I wasn't going to address your sobriety birthday. I'm still mad at AA. I'm mad and I'm grateful. What kind of fucked up world do I live in? As I was deciding whether or not to even acknowledge the day I realized how much you gave to our community. You were the kind of man … Continue reading Day 287
What am I thinking of? What am I thinking of? What am I ....... The rain drops hit the windshield and my mind wanders. Are you watching me? Do you judge me? I would. I am a total shit can of a storm. What the fuck is my purpose? I am lost. Again. A empty … Continue reading Day 272
I put Aj to bed and you hit me. You hit like a ton of bricks. My chest constricted as a million thoughts played bumper cars in my head. How is it that you are still gone? My mind cannot wrap around the thought that you are not just out there living somewhere far away. … Continue reading Day 264
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