Day 335

How long have I been dying?

What is it like to wake up next to someone you have been married to for the past 50 years?

Looking next to you at this person you have literally spent your whole life with. Laughing to yourself about the first gray hair freak out. Or all the creams and weird faces you would make in the car to avoid wrinkles. Watching the sunlight dance on your bed spread from the wind blowing outside your window. A feeling of wholeness. Hearing your grandchildren laughing with their Grandpa, Papa, Paw Paw, fill in the blank. Having your son call just to talk to Dad. How many people actually experience this? I was sitting outside smoking and basically being a creep. Here are my neighbors just cleaning dishes, walking the dog, arguing about trivial stupid STUPID things that only matter because they are not awake in the least. Why is it that life doesn’t go backwards so you can actually appreciate things as they happen instead of hindsight.
I was thinking how literally everything comes back to you. All my thoughts. Any expression. The music lyrics or a picture. Even the god damn Housewives come back to you in the end. How is that even possible? I think I love you more now than I ever did then. How fucked is that? I mean I loved you, more than anyone before you, but now it is an animal. A force of nature all it’s own. Uncontained.
Wild.
Resilient.
Unmanageable.
Suffocating.
Freeing.
I do not understand myself anymore. My emotions and thought processes are so jumbled. I am tired. Beyond tired of the daily back and forth between insanity and stability that is built in sand. I wonder if I will ever be “normal” or just be. I do believe you can die from a broken heart. I am waiting. For it to finally snatch me up. Or release me from this purgatory. Screaming for it to just fucking show up already.
WHERE ARE YOU?
I’m waiting.
You bitch.
You fucking coward!