Day 331

Me: Aj were you a superhero during your nap at the doctor?
Aj: No no no Mama. Aj.Daddy. Park. Sleep.

Three nights ago I laid in bed staring at my son. Taking in the rise and fall of his chest, holding him close while he watched Monsters Inc for the hundredth time. Seeing your child attached to cords, wires, and tubes so they can breathe properly is the absolute worst. Aj had a routine surgery that going into I was nervous but became necessary. The tornado of emotions that swallowed me up in the weeks leading up to surgery nearly destroyed me. I have lived in the world of if I know you, if I love you in the slightest you will die. I am not being dramatic when I say this. It is how my brain processes all that has gone on. The surgery itself is a blur I only woke up momentarily as the Dr. McDreamy was telling me that they had spent the past 30 minutes breathing for my son who was unable to. Even with him in front of me all I could think is “How and why are you so fucking hairy?!” It wasn’t until we walked into the sterile room fully suited up that I opened my eyes. Approaching the edge of his bed hearing the whirl of oxygen being pumped to Aj and the heart monitor peep rhythmically. There was my baby wheezing loudly as he slept. I completely fell apart. Something I don’t do enough. Crawling into his hospital bed, moving what felt like a million fucking cords, I took a deep breath. “You are a fucking warrior” I whispered. This was a message for us both. Within a few hours Aj was breathing independently and ready to eat ice cream.

Throughout the process I had the strength of my amazing family. Since my life has been filled with lots of ups and downs I tend to feel very alone in my daily battles. These past few months I have not been alone. My aunt has been there to help fill some cracks with the kids that I just can’t fill. She has stepped in when I needed someone else most. Luckily she was with Aj and I all of Friday. My grandmother came an stayed with Izzy while we were gone for what felt like a decade. My Dad and Step Mom took Izzy when Aj struggled to recover giving her tons of love and attention. I also have my in laws that are always there for all of us. What I have learned is that family will really always have your back. I’m grateful for healthy babies and a strong family to hold us up when we need it most.

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