(The duality of processing trauma) Are you processing grief or processing loss? When a heavy “grief wave” comes is it really just loss? This question was posed to me and I struggled to find a response. Grief has been everything. All I've known for years now. What if I am the one keeping myself sick? … Continue reading Day 725
"Good God, what have I done? Gone and left the only one That ever really, truly, deeply loved me Honestly, how stupid could I be? My poor heart your demons want You turned dark, picked out a gun In the incapable hands of your master Downworth spiral, bound for disaster" "You are not well.” My … Continue reading Day 703
I wanted to say I miss the days when it was easy. I wanted to but as soon as the thought crossed my mind I felt dizzy. Deep breath Deep breath Grief is about growth About becoming the very best .0 you could hope to be Independently Well somewhat Does a ghost count? What about … Continue reading Day 701
"Oh God, Where are you now? And what you gonna do About the mess I've made If there was ever a soul to save It must be me It must be me Dear god, Oh how can I survive? Will I make this drop this dive? When it all comes to this I'm looking down … Continue reading Day 699
My boss looked over smiling “How was your weekend?” Immediately I began internally monologuing: Meals cooked – 6 Loads of laundry – 2 Times I laid on the ground so overwhelmed with my own emotions – 5 Tears in church – 26 Moments where I romanticized suicidality – 78 and ½ “It was good, lots … Continue reading Day 697
My mind has been quiet. I hear only the sound of waves splashing into the dock. Or the land meeting the water. A cool but comforting breeze with each impact. The recesses of my mind are bringing up Annapolis. I watch the video of the water I took. The buoy gently rocking and ringing in … Continue reading Day 694
"Days went by, And amusement cried, I decide to let My soul fly on by itself, Pick happiness up and Bring it back to the shelf We'll be okay one day, In a valley we will stay” -O.A.R.I received your mom’s book today. Well really yesterday but I needed to muster up the courage to … Continue reading Day 693
I cursed God earlier. “Coward” I gruffly whispered walking away. I often feel abandoned by ..... probably everything. Especially this. I was defeated. Until I realized I had one of those weekends I prayed to God for. For years now. It’s terrifying. We went to Ikea and mutually agreed that IS ground zero. We super … Continue reading Jeepers
I’m not lost. I’m exploring. I keep coming back to this place where you are supposed to find: Life. Forgiveness. Salvation. Freedom. I come here in faith that maybe.... maybe my soul will rattle. Standing among those who believe I feel stuck in the very tomb that is supposedly to fall if you utter surrender. … Continue reading Day 689
I thought about the steam rising from the concrete today. How a mist covered all spaces one would want mist, to feel alive. I had on beautiful indie acoustic. Hand out the window Fingers playing with the clouds passing by. I took a deep breath and smiled one of those smiles you have as your … Continue reading Day 687
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