My heart is heavy Heavy like a stone sinking to the bottom of the ocean. Landing abruptly with debris flying up all around it. For a moment in complete timelessness the shatters of who we were dance in the water before finally resting wherever the universe has dictated. Heavy. Lately my mind has been on … Continue reading Day 437
Jolted awake by the sound of your voice saying “mama” I didn’t think I remembered your voice any longer. I had just told a fellow widow how even the sound of your laugh in random video clips are that of stranger now. How I will sit and listen on repeat in the hopes that one … Continue reading Day 428
“And in this quiet company, I forget just how to breathe” Waves How many times can a reiterate the fact that I drowning over and over within a matter of hours. When will this pass? I want to be. Just exist. Nothing more. Nothing less. I am exhausted by the constant suffocation I endure. No … Continue reading Day 426
Dave was honest, trustworthy, and loyal. Love 1 post loss was not. When you're a writer you have to let the words flow somewhere. Be vulnerable sometimes. Babe, Let me start off by saying I am so grateful that our paths crossed. Our time together was enlightening and drove me consistently towards growth in all … Continue reading Day 424
My heart and my brain are at war. “I am failing” one screams to the other’s back. “You failed a long time ago” the other mutters under it’s breath. I do feel as if I am failing. Falling. Scrambling to grasp something that is tangible. These mirages only dissipate just when you think you’ve finally … Continue reading Day 418
Purgatory The weight of widowhood is vast and ever expansive. Much like my own evolution. I was speaking with a friend tonight about purgatory. How the very root of the word is to purge. What is it that I am purging? My sadness? My semblance of self? My fear? My grief? My very essence? They … Continue reading Day 416
My aunt asked me the other day what stigma I am trying to break. I paused for a second. I wasn’t sure. I feel like there are a million stigmas that I am constantly trying to break. Whether it’s being a widow (which you all know I am). Or being an ex herion addict. Losing … Continue reading Day 412
I still wake myself up slightly each morning to slide into what once was my snuggle spot. Even when I am aware that you are not there I extend my arm to feel for you. Inching over to where you once laid only to find the cold. I tell myself it’s cold because you are … Continue reading Day 408
I’m so crazy I am so fing crazy I started my job in May. Where I work is a big corporate building, totally new environment for me. At all three entrances you have to badge in and then walk past a security guard. Each morning: *beep beep* “Good Morning” “Good Morning Jessica” says the old … Continue reading Day 406
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