Day 426

“And in this quiet company, I forget just how to breathe”

Waves

How many times can a reiterate the fact that I drowning over and over within a matter of hours.

When will this pass?

I want to be.

Just exist.

Nothing more. Nothing less.

I am exhausted by the constant suffocation I endure.

No vacation or sleep will fix this.

I frustrate myself COMPLETELY.

What am I waiting for?

What is it I still want from him?

Leave me.

Let me be.

I’ve been surviving off pure exhaustion for over a year now.

I can feel myself falling apart.

My life is taking a toll on me.

I feel it in my bones.

Every morning.

Every Afternoon.

And every fucking night I feel it.

It’s fucking HEAVY.

I can’t help but wonder why so much of life has to be so heavy.

That sounds so cliché.

But it’s true! The world is heavy.

There’s so much destruction and death and just hurt and I don’t get it.

I wish I felt like less of an alien.

I sound nutso when I say that kind of stuff but I do feel like an alien for most of my life.

I never really feel a part of.

No matter how hard I try.

I wonder if that is a forever thing.

Or if I will grow out of it like so many habits before.

Evolution is so painful.

I am tired.