I still wake myself up slightly each morning to slide into what once was my snuggle spot. Even when I am aware that you are not there I extend my arm to feel for you. Inching over to where you once laid only to find the cold. I tell myself it’s cold because you are there. Each time I open my eyes slowly, squinting so hopefully I will be unconscious enough to fool myself and pretend the body pillow is actually you.
Sad and pathetic I know.
In those first months after you passed I would wake up abruptly having thought I bumped into you or your notorious elbow had attacked again. Those nights hurt. I would lie awake for hours after. Staring at the exact spot I thought I had felt you until my room suddenly was filled with light once again. It’s hard to continue fabricating once you’ve seen anything in the light.
I remember doing the same after the breakup with Cam. I kept a shirt that smelled like him under a particular pillow in the basement. When the rain would come I would sneak to it as if it were a drug. Taking a deep inhale to “recenter” myself. What is it about the way the person you love smells? I have been so obsessed with the smell of many things.
As I laid with ***** I couldn’t help but nuzzle in. I studied the rise and fall of his chest. Taking in the way the hair on his arm laid. The slight tickle as I ran my fingers over his interlocking our hands briefly over and over.
I was remembering.
Taking a mental video.
For when he dies too.
Reminding myself that there is no consistency to be found here. Do not get attached.
There is nothing like that.
…. I know what else it means though.
This smell is like a warm fall breeze. A breath of fresh air after suffocating for months. Brisk and calming. Comfort like walking into your grandmothers house or slipping under your down comforter while snow falls outside your window.
PULL AWAY JESS!
I lift my arm and he gently lays his on top of it pulling me into him. He kisses my forehead. Like he had been waiting for years to be in this exact moment. Staying there a for a few minutes. I knew he was falling for my smell as well. Thank god he couldn’t see my face as I smiled with a tear slowly traveling down my cheek. In that moment I thought of you…. and then him.
I am broken.
I must be broken.
Pull away. Please just pull away.
It will only hurt in the end.