Day 437

My heart is heavy

Heavy like a stone sinking to the bottom of the ocean. Landing abruptly with debris flying up all around it. For a moment in complete timelessness the shatters of who we were dance in the water before finally resting wherever the universe has dictated.

Heavy.

Lately my mind has been on overdrive or possibly under drive…. I have not been pausing. I have no words it seems. As my soul experienced yet another profound loss this last week I sat in silence. Finding out someone who was once family (legitimate family) is gone now too I thought for sure would be the snap. Only two lights away from my work I had to compose myself as my friend spoke. Like garble all I could hear is “Yes he passed away on the 1st”

*gasp*

The sound of that freight train was silent to all but myself.

*breathe*

What the fuck

What the fuck

WHAT the ACTUAL FUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK

I wanted to be angry. I wanted to scream at you. The tears were pouring. I parked and looked up only to realize I could not see. I grabbed my phone lost. “What do I do? Should I even reach out? Run? Run!”I texted your phone. I had to say something. I sat in my car in the parking garage for at least 40 minutes sobbing in that way that your stomach flips. My mind focused solely on why me? Until suddenly *click*

Breathe Jess breathe.

Out loud I once again was my own best friend. I have to be. No one else knows what to say to me other than I’m so sorry. That does nothing. “This life is not at you. This life is not to you. Pull yourself together and get to adulting! The world is still spinning. The sun will still rise tomorrow. This will not break you.” Running my fingers across my tender eyes to remove any and all makeup that may have remained. I took a tissue to the black streaks overtaking my face and could see the blotchyness of my skin. I shook my head almost as if for a second I doubted myself. Then three deep breaths in and I was standing. I grabbed my stuff and headed towards the office. I could feel the warmth of the tears rolling down my face as I had many many times before; “nevertheless she persisted”

I spent the next 4-5 hours crying in one form or another. Having only one huge breakdown in the bathroom….. my coworkers have to be semi scared of me after all they have seen. Allowing the grief to come freely.

I was already beaten down when life pulled out the baseball bat but defeat is not an option so again I pulled myself up. Around 1 I made the decision to be present in my own life. I walked into I meeting I had told my boss and hour before I could not do. I recentered myself and engaged. In that moment work saved my life. Really anything outside of myself was the only way to continue. Had I run I don’t think I would have ever come back. I think often of just going, but where would I go?

No matter what I would be with grief.

In closing let me say:

1) FUCK you for dying.

2) FUCK you for being so selfish you couldn’t even admit you were struggling.

3) FUCK you for hurting the way you did…. I know.

I love you but seriously FUCK you! I hope Dave bitch slapped some sense into you. Until we meet again thank you for everything.

Heavy mega burrito praise asshole