The calm arrived. I prayed, begged, cried, screamed for the serenity to settle with grace. And let me tell you, it did. That is not to say I have been calm across the board. No no no. I had lists of things I hoped to accomplish. They were too long. My children are growing and … Continue reading Day 476
I have acted CRAZY Insane Irrational Spiraling disaster After the purge of yesterday I felt light. Heavy at first as the energy it held was releasing from my system but lighter none the less. I am growing I can feel it. Past judgement. Past my fears. Past the secretiveness I have held onto like a … Continue reading Day 472
I have been relatively open about this new love. With you guys and him. More open than I have been with most people in life at any point. I went to see him this last week. Somehow since November we have seen each other on three different occasions regardless of the 750 miles difference pushing … Continue reading Day 471
I do not know how to do this. Even though most days I feel almost like a veteran of widowhood the reality is that it has only been 15 months. I am still just beginning. Lately my son has been hurting. This is something I don’t know how to fix. There are no words to … Continue reading Day 468
Please tell me again how horrible your husband is. Complain about him choosing softball over time with you and the kids. Tell me how the dishes pile up in the sink. How he leaves his socks EVERYWHERE. Scream about communication that you yourself have no idea how to do. Roll your eyes while he watches … Continue reading Day 466
You know, there'll come a day were you meet this girl, and she's going to blow you away. She's going to talk about things you never even new existed this side of the movie screen. She'll talk like she is a hundred years old and fought through every war that has ever been waged. She'll … Continue reading This is not my writing but these words were too true not to share
A year ago I was dying. Fooled you didn't I? I was DYING. Slowly. In front of all of you. Not in a way the world would consider a real illness but I WAS dying. Terminal grief. With no end in sight. I decided in the month previous that I was going to live! For … Continue reading Day 460
"When did my life become a series of countdowns? I curse the heavens for pulling you away from me At the same time I pray that you'll find everything you seek I am happy, I am thankful and I am proud Said with a smile" -Countdowns *sleeping at last* Lately Dave has weighed heavily on … Continue reading Day 459
I have decided I feel bad for norms. They can’t comprehend how you can love your dead spouse while still falling or be in love with a living person. Their minds try too hard to rationalize things that aren’t meant to be understood. Life is not linear. It’s curved. Sharp. Messy. Jagged. With moments of … Continue reading Day 457
The level of compassion that comes with being a widow can sometimes be overwhelming. In the groups I see daily struggles. Of my fellows. My tribe. Many times I wish I could just reach out and hug them because I understand that pain. It can come in a waterfall of words or in the silence. … Continue reading Loss is senseless
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