Day 459

“When did my life become a series of countdowns?

I curse the heavens for pulling you away from me

At the same time

I pray that you’ll find everything you seek

I am happy, I am thankful and I am proud

Said with a smile”

-Countdowns *sleeping at last*

Lately Dave has weighed heavily on me. Not in a bad or good way. He is just here. Like always. I set up my PS4 in my room tonight for the first time since I took it down in October 2016. I had it in my family room in the house in Prescott and then put it in my aunts room when I came to Illinois. I turned it on and there was that music. The blue light filled my room, casting shadows all around me. At first I was on the phone with my boyfriend and the weight started weighing. I was about to actually game again. Something I had not done in years but had been a very serious passion long ago. I went to load the game and got the error message that I did not have enough space.

Fair enough.

Settings.

Storage.

System storage.

Applications.

There it was. FIFA, Call of Duty, NBA 2K15, and of course fucking GTA 5. He loved that stupid fucking game. Suddenly a wave. I had a flashback of him sitting in bed laughing as he ran from the cops. Stating how unrealistic this truly was. That was in the time that I think I hated him. My chest constricted. I could feel the tears as I stared at this blue screen. Why was this effecting me? I couldn’t do it. I could not delete his data. It felt like somehow I was deleting apart of him. I took a deep breath to ground myself and felt dizzy. Why can’t I delete it? WHY THE FUCK CANT YOU DELETE THIS TRIVIAL NONE IMPORTANT, NOT HIM, BULLSHIT JESS. The music. That fucking music was playing. The one he hated. Almost every night he would turn to me and say “well you going to start Netflix or am I going to have to kill myself listening to this shit all night” Maybe he hated me too. This music. So calming and panicking. The one that reminds me of our home. The one we would argue over. Sometimes just talk about our days. The one that played in the background as I folded laundry. The one that signaled I was safe. I had made it through another day as I was drowning in the loss of him before he was ever actually gone. “I should go” I said quickly. Feeling the tears welling. “Ok I’m going to eat my sandwich” he replies with a smile I can hear in his voice as the first tear begins to roll down my cheek. I hang up and stare at the screen desperately trying not to let saved data bring this wave crashing down.

Then?

BOOM!

No matter how long it has been or how far I have come the daily loss of him hits. So I sit. With the music. My room drenched in blue. Allowing the wave to take me. Praying it will be kind.