Day 471

I have been relatively open about this new love. With you guys and him. More open than I have been with most people in life at any point. I went to see him this last week. Somehow since November we have seen each other on three different occasions regardless of the 750 miles difference pushing us away from one another. This last trip was difficult on so many levels. I found myself asking on the last day if I am only causing harm at this point. Part of me says “Jess you are not it. Most definitely not for him no matter how pushy or laid back you are. You cannot control this. STOP! Stop trying. Let it be” ……..Let it be? How does someone just flow easily through something that could change so many aspects of who you are? What is the lesson? Am I destined to just fuck up anything positive just by being me?

Going into this trip I was very optimistic. It felt right. I didn’t really have to force much to make it work. (In hindsight though I was pushing him whether either of us realized or not). I packed up the kids and we were off. I landed in Baltimore at midnight and instantly I was breathing again. I knew it was only a matter of minutes until I saw him. God I miss him when we are so far apart. The airport and all that was not easy but I told myself it was worth it. And it was. Somewhere inside of me I have correlated him with the feeling of home. Something I really have never had as he himself pointed out. “Your gypsy soul is still searching” ….. valid. Anyway there it was. That feeling of “you are safe now”. We drove to his home in Virginia that I had been to by myself just a month previous. Deep breath. I cannot figure out my longing to be there. Why this place, not my place, someone else’s place speaks to me. Over and over this past month my mind whispers go there often. WHY?! Why would I do this to myself? Why would I not just find “home” in an achievable location? What is the point? Am I missing something? Being there was like a warm blanket, hot chocolate, and a fire after a long day in the cold. That first night we were consistent in our thoughts, words, silences, and expressions, all very fluid and natural.

The next morning I wrote copious amounts after no sleep. Such a burst of all my hopes and feelings. It’s been difficult to find the right words for it all. I still genuinely felt what I said without a doubt. I was just inhabited enough to actually say it. We spent the afternoon discussing life, kids, and struggles. Drinking boatloads of coffee and of course smoked a million cigarettes while appreciating the beauty of this backyard my soul loves. I was starting to feel secure. That was my trip. Where I went left I think. I gave myself the illusion of safety and consistency. Not for my heart to hold. By Friday I could feel the pull. Painful. Fuck it is painful to wake from a dream you enjoy. So I began pulling too, if only in my mind. By Saturday morning I was distraught. I felt stupid, naive, an isolated island once again. In this place I had held so high in my head. My salvation. I can be so ignorant sometimes. Absence. I sat in that quiet place. Writing how it all felt. My only constant over the past year is the writing. I got in the shower and cried. I didn’t want him to know. I guess I needed to just cry if I needed. I don’t know if it was Dave, him, all of life, or the knowing that something was coming.

I was able to pull it together and push my fears down once again. Then the afternoon came. At 2 on Saturday Izzy had a seizure. I was already not ok. I held my child while she convulsed and turned blue. I got to relive finding Dave and the look on his face. I thought I was going to lose my daughter. I was nowhere near anything. I never am. The place I would look for doesn’t exist.  I thought of him and his kids. How could I bring this to them? I sat sobbing in the room that holds all the people he loves so. Part of me loves them too. You can’t fall for just the person. You fall for all of them and everything they love. It felt safe for a second again until snap “WAKE UP” This is not your place. Stop deceiving yourself.  He is so so right that I have no home. In that moment I realized it more than ever. As my world was collapsing I had nothing and no one to turn to. Even in this place I had idealized with this man than I say I feel safe with. I felt nothing. I freaked out, of course I am a mother and a widow after all, called 911 and got Izzy to the hospital. She is ok. A febrile seizure. So many have told me how “NORMAL” this apparently is. If I hear it one more time I will implode. In the hours following the initial shock I was reminded time and time again why I appreciate so much about him. I will always be grateful for how he showed up for my little family even when he was struggling. I am not special in this though. This is who he is. One of the many reasons why I am so enamored by him.

The rest of the trip is a blur of lack of sleep, stress, and tears. Nothing like when we began. Now I wait. Wait for the exit. Wait for the words to be uttered. Wait for the silence. Wait for the hope. Wait for a victory. Who am I to know the outcomes of life? I sit waiting.

In this whole situation I have learned more about myself than I ever thought possible. What is it that I want? What is the base minimum? Am I receiving these needs? Am I properly communicating my needs or wants? I know I want desperately to find stability. A home base for once that actually feels like home. That is mine. I know I need to be able to speak my mind, crazy and all, same for ______. I need to know that with the fluctuations of life that this person chooses me, each day they wake up and can’t help but still feel overwhelming gratitude to lay eyes on me for even just one more day. I need someone who supports my weird evolving artistic side. That will get as excited as I do. I need to feel comfortable in my skin around myself let alone around them. I want to be just Jess. Not mommy Jess or sex kitten Jess. I want to not wear makeup and have a disastrous mop of hair and have that person see the beauty through all of the bullshit. I want to breathe. I want to eat. I want to feel the sun on my face. I want to smile. I am so ready for calm, quiet, peace.

Perhaps my words have been deceiving me.

Not they are not honest or true to who I am but that they capture me in a specific moment and urge me to investigate just that one momentary feeling.

Am I causing harm at this point?

Am I growing?

Am I Failing?