Day 1,521

Do you ever wake up to the sense that you were waited on? Whether it is self or another, your eyes flutter open and for a second you feel completely present mixed with arriving for a holiday embraced in joy.

One of my favorite artists is Taylor Swift.
I relate to her self reflection and desire to grow and reinvent fearlessly.  Without inner healing it is impossible for one to understand the beauty of light after the rain. While many see this imagery often the light and rain are not of the physical. She so obviously sees the wind, leaves, clouds, pasta, trash can, or cat in ways we can all hope to achieve. I digress; she announced the release of a new album today and within her cottage core esthetic she wrote words that shook my spirit.

“In making it, I felt less like I was departing and more like I was returning”
-Taylor Swift

 I sat pulling tarot with a close friend yesterday discussing my fear of admitting not only to myself but to others that I feel as if I am also finding such a familiar comfort. So much has occurred in my life that after awhile I did not believe I could exist without immeasurable stress and pressure. I didn’t think I was worthy of living without hurting in some way.  Without some form of DISASTER! How does one grow if it’s not through pure desperation? All moments that have helped me clear out deep rooted traumas have been like the twin towers, right when it feels all too horrible to be real I am hit by something new out of nowhere before crumbling upon myself.

“I can go anywhere I want, just not home”
-my tears ricochet (Taylor Swift – Folklore)

It is these ideas that I believe I have trapped myself within. I have been reaching for something outside of what I felt I was. I have lied to myself; for so long. I have allowed others to lie to me. I feel like so many of us grew on soul levels this year but my healing has been beyond exploding. It imploded and then reverberated out until all of the dust on the walls of my heart fell like snowflakes.

January I fearlessly sought out healing for PTSD. February I integrated all I had learned during my Aya journey. March brought loss of a new kind. April I attempted to make positive. May was isolation, over eating, over drinking. June was heartbreak building. July the volcanic explosion of release. August I found myself again through Theta healing. September I focused on what Jess was and came into realizations about how I viewed the kids and I as a unit. October I learned to trust again. November I removed the mask and faced the mortality of my parents. December feels like action time.

“You knew it still hurts underneath my scars
From when they pulled me apart
You knew the password, so I let you in the door
You knew you won, so what’s the point of keeping score?
You knew it still hurts underneath my scars
From when they pulled me apart
But what you did was just as dark
Darling, this was just as hard
As when they pulled me apart”
-hoax (Taylor Swift – Folklore)

When I made my vision board last December, I wanted:
-to love myself inside and out
-a solid group of women around me
-to grow spiritually
-to feel home and that my children were happy
-to create
-I wanted to find my inner phoenix …..
You guys, I did all of the above. I did all of the freaking above just by allowing universe in. Just by having faith. Smiling at strangers and admitting when I fell short. I showed my hurt to friends who instead of disappearing held my hand as the tears streamed uncontrollably. I laughed till my stomach hurt. I binged tv shows and new music. I lost myself in the forest only to find Jess loves the forest.  I found my most authentic self and wore that shit like a badge of honor. Standing at my desk yesterday I was frozen in awe that I am who I wanted to be. My life is quiet and pretty stable overall. I feel loved genuinely. I feel free to explore and find comfort in just the stillness. I feel comfortable in my skin most days. My children smile and my cats are fat. My very simple life is all I have ever wanted and here it is. My life.

What I am trying to say is it may take awhile. Like way longer than anyone would want but you will feel relief. When Dave first passed I got a mediumship reading, in that reading he said “I’m proud of you for five” For years now I have waited to get to year five of widowhood. So much of it has been so so dark getting to this place. As I look over the ridge to see the sun rising I feel his hand in mine as I continue to push forward. October is the month of loss and gain. I found and lost Dave within my once favorite fall month, it was October that came again to remind me just how deeply I am loved. I feel him in everything and even more so now that I am allowing myself to feel happiness.

 I am so rusty at writing these days 🙂
I’ll get better, it’s time to speak again.

“Pulled the car off the road to the lookout
Could’ve followed my fears all the way down
And maybe I don’t quite know what to say
But I’m here in your doorway
I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying”
-this is me trying (Taylor Swift- Folklore)

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