Day 2,400

That flicker of sunlight through leaves.

Sometimes in cinematography they will edit the light to give the illusion of physical dimension, the thing about that is capturing a feeling is nearly impossible. A group of ten people could watch the same short film and come away with completely different review based upon their own perspective.  

I can remember staring up at those shadows waiting to be swallowed whole by the abyss I swore stood hand in hand for years. The tiny leaves that fanned out in love to allow me to see without loss of anything more, standing, screaming at these giving trees.

Viscerally, still, I can feel the pain in the bottom of my stomach as I wretched the words “I love you AIN’T THAT THE WORST THING YOU EVER HEARD?” Driving through those same trees day after day for years. Streams of warmth would pool on my nose, chin, throat, drips sprinkled about in my hair and shirt. This felt like invisible blood I just hemorrhaged everywhere.

Looking back on it now I can see I am the one holding the darkness or light. In all things within control or seemingly out of control the one constant is me. I spent so many years believing I couldn’t, shouldn’t, wouldn’t be all I needed.

Not just for me.

               Or my kids.

                              Or my cats.

                                             Or my family, co-workers, laundry, shame, guilt, self-loathing.

It is for the next woman drowning silently in plain sight.

The realization that tomorrow comes, whether I want it to or not at that moment, and tomorrow is full of the unknown. It’s easy to feel alone when you keep blinders on not to be spooked. What if you just allowed yourself to see the whole view?

Take that next step onto the reassurance of only the familiar sound of gravel beneath your feet?


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