Day 1,461

Dave’s death day has been stalking me.
Like a song stuck on repeat.
Or chosen repetition.
I’m never sure if I create my own black holes or if I do truly just stumble and fall within.

I laid my hand on the tile again.
It’s cold with droplets of warmth from the running shower.
This feels so much like my grief…. my mental status.
Frozen from being left in the dark for far to long but once the light returns it’s as if it warms only the surface before rippling down and away again.

This anniversary represents his absence surpassing the time spent together.
I let my hand slip slightly as I rest my forehead against the cold tiles above.
Deep breath Jess.

Flashes of Arizona.
P group.Bj’s (it’s restaurant you dirty birds 😉).
Him and the leftovers.
Cj.
Chails walking in circles holding Aj close.
Kanye West, Big Sean, and Holy Grail Jay.
His red SUV.
The sound of his footsteps on the tile of Bradshaws.

The damn tile.My mind wanders to that night.
In the past I discussed my affinity for the cold floors.
For crawling down as low and I could.
Dragging my face along concrete or grout.
Sobbing.
I hate how I relate the cold hard floor to so many I loved dearly.

I raise my hand to steady myself as I stare into the abyss.
*squeak* as I slide further down the wall landing in my tub with ease.
I am here and yet I am not.
I focus on the sound of the water.
Glancing to my dark brown soaked hair.
Droplets fall as if they are dancing.

I lean back trying to relax myself before presenting to the world yet again.
Sounds of water falling.
Drips and soap bubbles making designs around the drain.
Just to the right I look to a dimmed reflection of light.
The water passing through slowly creating paths my eyes wander along.

*gasp*
The water now cold covers me.
I am still staring at that spot.
Like it holds the answers to questions of my soul.
Once again I say those three words:
“get up Jess”
I turn off the water and with that last gush I know I will be ok.
Even if all facades fall away.

“And at the end of the day, it’s probably nighttime, I’ll just go to bed and then I’ll get up.”
-TE

I highly recommend taking five minutes to listen to this song and mediate on gratitude, however that looks to you.

You are loved.
You are worthy.
Remember who you are and know you are enough.