Day 980

“It won’t be easy, you’ll think it strange
When I try to explain how I feel
That I still need your love after all that I’ve done
You won’t believe me
All you will see is a girl you once knew”

Who do you look to?

Throughout life I have been exposed to some the strongest women a girl could hope to witness. From a very young age I have held Eva Perón in the highest of regard along with characters such as Elphaba, Mimi, Aida, Captain Marvel,and my newest Donna Noble. There are women in my own life as well. My mother showed me how to be fearless. My aunt taught me I can learn anything I want. My best friend in high schools mother showed me how to love without blood relation. There are influential woman who I have never met but meant to so much to those I love in the here and now. Their life not easy but a daily reminder to never give up. Happiness found, even if lost, found truly. I am so grateful for these women in reality and my dreams. They push me to endeavor for more.

Eva was a girl from the back streets of Argentina who dreamt of more than simply marrying a man who would provide for her. Even in the face of unending doubt she made her decision and set out on her journey. Filled with tears and triumphs she must have been so lonely in those first years. Wandering in a world where men dictated reality she paved the way to what a determined woman really is. Though thrown aside as nothing more than a “whore”, greedy, power hungry, or a gold digger the truth is Eva fought for the right to love people. Looking to feel love herself, she gave all she had.

Elphaba the outcast. The wicked witch of the west. Was ostracized for being authentically her.. Mimi the heroin addict left to die in the streets of New York. Aida a woman trying to save a country doomed to slavery while still appeasing her own father. Captain Marvel lost everything and was lied to in order to control her power. Donna a fucking temp from Chiswick, yet so much more than even she realized.

The funny thing about my idols is that they long to give love just seeking to learn to love themselves. Yet all of these woman were “no one special” the regular run of the mill female they were told to sit down and shut up, not just by men but by entire societies.

Take that in for a minute.

ENTIRE societies told powerful woman they were less than. We still see this today. In the large scale there are people like Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez who are fiery and passionate for the PEOPLE, for you. Yet we rip her down. Many using her femininity as her weakness. Even closer to home woman like me no degree, no overly impressive resume, single mom, someone easy to take advantage of. Unfortunately in this day and age we are all so focused on ourselves. Collecting and acquiring in order to feel purposeful. We have forgotten to fight for people. We have forgotten that some do stand above, not in a I’m better than you just that some strive to better the world. Some seek to give in order to heal. Why not allow us to? Why hold the ten year old that dreams of being president back.? What if we nurtured those crazy dreams? Feed into ones who want to bring good? It’s not a competition, we all have the same goals.

"And as for fortune, and as for fame

I never invited them in

Though it seemed to the world they were all I desired

They are illusions

They are not the solutions they promised to be

The answer was here all the time

I love you and hope you love me"

The fearful will always demean the fearless. They wish to have half the courage of someone they loathe. See I am realizing hate is just hurt. It is that lack again. Please stop feeding fear and lack! Feed hope and abundance, I mean how good could it get?

May I be the first to throw a stone at myself. If we can honestly look at ourselves than how can we not have compassion for everyone around us?

I have been a liar.
Predator and pray.
A junkie.
Self seeking.
I have not deserved to matter.
I have been so blind, falling incredibly short of the woman I would hope to be.
Through all of the trials I have realized I do matter. I have also learned and grown. Three years ago I decided to speak. It has been the greatest gift I have ever received.

When I die, old and worn, may my children know that for all my faults I loved unabashedly. It is an honor to suffer in the pursuit of a better tomorrow for us all.

“Have I said too much?
There’s nothing more I can think of to say to you.
But all you have to do is look at me to know
That every word is true” -Evita

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