Day 349

“I remember thinking
Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we in the clear yet?” -T.S.

” I can’t wait to be your wife”
We had met in October and I knew instantly you were my one. As I whispered those words for the first time in March of that following year I had no doubt I would grow old with you. We had spent months inseparable. Even through my relapse you would come and reassure me that this was not our story. We had so much more to tell. I think back on those days and wish I would have documented more. I had no idea how my heart would long for yours.
I lay each night in “our” bed remembering the countless nights sleeping next to you. That first one lol god it was so rough. You were tall and long so you took up almost all of that double. Soon after we got a queen which was more than fine for the two of us until our little miracle arrived squeezing us both out. I miss that bed. As I write this I can smell our old apartment. The days on end of Lorde and breaded chicken. When we got our king sized bed it was a breathe of fresh air. We would spend 75% of our free time just laying together. I loved laying next to you and listening to both you and Aj snoring.
I think the time I was pregnant with Izzy was my most favorite time with you. Even through all the ups and downs I couldn’t imagine life with anyone else.
Now I have to rethink everything. Nothing that ever felt real or like a home exists anymore. I am so used to my knight in shining armor coming to save me when I’m lost…. I don’t know what to do anymore babe. I don’t know how to keep going. I feel beyond lost. Beyond broken without my second half. Only a piece to a puzzle left to deteriorate. I have this proverbial DNR hanging over me at all times.
God! Let me breathe again.
Let me be free! In whatever predetermined form that may be. Falling to my knees I know no one is listening. They can’t be. A daily torture such as this would bring even the sane to an asylum. Ugh I hate the way I think.
I’m begging.
Free me.

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