You are the end to my beginning. Everything and nothing all at once. You’re memories rip through this tiny little island I have become. Leaving me desolate and unable to see through my now ill adjusted eyes. How can one soul have such force. If not him then why? Why would the human mind allow such a torturous existence? What is the plan? What is the end goal? I feel as though I have been sprinting for years now. Out running the devil inside. I’m too tired to fight. I want to melt into my surroundings and become one with the atoms. Just as I start to see the flicker of light again down, down, down I go. Further each time. Is this my journey to save your soul? Are you as trapped as I am? Take me then. Show me where, how, why, and when. I would do it a million times over to free us both.
I realized a few days ago while talking to a coworker. That every single person we see is dying in front of us. In the grocery store, at the stop light, while belting out Celine Dion at the top of your lungs. Learning to reconnect with another human is excruciating. I grab onto the memories as they happen knowing that tomorrow that might be all that’s left. I am dying in front of myself doing makeup each morning. And there is nothing that can change that fact. How fucked up is that. How do you forget that? I want to be completely ignorant to death. Blissfully going through life unaware.
Take me back.
Let me start over.
The Optimistic Widow 