Day 348

“There’s a war inside of me
Do I cause new heartbreak to write a new broken song
Do I push it down or let it run me
Right into the ground

But I feel like
I wouldn’t like me
If I met me
I feel like
I wouldn’t like me
If I met me”

-You wouldn’t like me (Sleeping at Last)

I crouched in malasana in the tub for a few minutes. Steam swirling around me and water streaming down my face.

Am I crying?

I couldn’t even tell

“Is it too hot?” I questioned

I kinda like the burn it reminds me I’m still here.

Intention

What is my intention?

I read an article about loss at young age. It began by telling their love story how blissfully happy this woman was to her core. I wondered if I ever was that happy with you.
If only I had known.
The would’ve, should’ve, could’ve that would weigh so heavy on my heart.
Thinking back on our time together I can’t help but smile.
The steering wheel lap dancing that always made me laugh hard enough to drool.
Literally I drooled!
Every. Single. Time.

The little shimmy dance you would do when you were coming in for a kiss. I always felt like most important person when we would connect for spurts of time. Although we both know that was few and far between.
That stupid dying otter noise you would make. The sound of your laugh when I would say something so ditzy neither of us could believe actually came out of my mouth.
The look of sincerity in your brown eyes when you would smile and ask me “How good can it get?”
Actually that last one I died a little remembering 😢
*remember to breathe Jess*
times when Izzy looks at me I can see pieces of you. Which seems so weird as she never got the chance to know you.<
he article continued she wrote about knowing but not knowing she knew. Lately everything reminds me of those last few weeks. I have found myself finding cement floors to lay upon. Sometimes tubs but always the cold. When you died it was on a cold floor. I have this unhealthy urge to lay in the cold with you. I’ll stare into the darkness using my imagination to pretend you are there. Helpful or harmful I don’t care. My soul always leads me back to where I can feel you most. The other day as I laid in my fathers storage room I could feel the warmth of my tears but was beyond detached from my body. I asked you if you hated me and received only silence.

I can feel and see myself finally growing into who I always was but too scared to actually be. With each new accomplishment achieved or goal determined I think of what you would say. How would Dave feel about this? It’s so hard to get back up when all your head wants is the cold abyss. I don’t deserve to stand tall. I belong there. It screams night after night but as the sun rises so do I in more than just physical. Again I place my feet on the ground.

I constantly question if you are the light and I am the dark or the opposite.
Forever the ying to my yang. 🌚🌝
Hold me close
I don’t want to be alone in the dark anymore.