Day 235

“Sometimes the world seems against you
The journey may leave a scar
But scars can heal and reveal just where you are
The people you love will change you
The things you have learned will guide you
And nothing on earth can silence
The quiet voice still inside you
And when that voice starts to whisper
You’ve come so far
And call isn’t out there at all it’s inside you
It’s like the tide; always falling and rising
I will carry you here in my heart you’ll remind me
That come what may
I know the way
I have crossed the horizon to find you
I know your name
They have stolen the heart from inside you
But this does not define you
This is not who you are
You know who you are” -Moana 💕

Tonight my son made me sing this to him over and over. As I was singing I realized how powerful these words actually are. How fitting it is to our little family’s journey through life after loss. I have been dreading Father’s Day for practically a month. Even more than our anniversary. This is not a pain I can just deal with alone. It is something that will always be in my children’s faces. They will go to school and see kids making their own Daddy a card or bring in pictures to talk about them. They will have games or recitals filled with parents but they will see only me. Never knowing the look of pure pride that I was blessed to see many times. There will be no father-daughter dances or Daddy coaching on Sundays. There will always be something missing that I can not change for them. This is a huge burden that I am completely unsure how one person continually endures. Yet I have come this far. I have crawled, ran, climbed, and fell over the last eight months. To still be standing on my own two feet. Some days I feel  invincible only to meet night, my favorite foe, terrified and shaking. Alone in my head has always been my arch nemesis. Nothing good has ever resulted from me discussing with myself. I find myself quite often yelling internally “But I know who I am! How many people can actually say that?” Or ” Obviously you’re strong so why the fuck are you so weak now?” It’s rarely a “Hey Jess, you made it another full day. I’m proud of you” I know that this road is winding and I do not have a map to know the next sharp turn. So for now I will hold on tight and pray that the seatbelt is still strong enough for whatever lies ahead.