Day 232

“When we grew up,
Our shadows grew up too.
But they’re just old ghosts
That we grow attached to.
The tragic flaw is that they hide the truth

That you’re enough.
I promise you’re enough.

“You are enough.”
These little words, somehow they’re changing us.
“You are enough,”
So we let our shadows fall away like dust.
“You are enough.”
These little words, somehow they’re changing us.
Let it go, let it go, “You are enough.”
So we let our shadows fall away like dust.” -Sleeping at Last

Theme of the past few weeks? Fill the void! Whether it’s eating an entire cake to myself or restricting any food. Smoking non stop. Over working. Under working. Doing my laundry halfway. Thinking of others or being completely selfish. Seeking validation in ALL the wrong places. Isolating even from myself something I didn’t even know was possible. I bought a fucking car for sake ( I did really need it but still definitely trying to fill the void) As the days flounder on I can’t help but wonder how long will this last? How much can one soul take. I thought by the eight month mark I would be stronger. It would have been long enough for me to rationalize any part of what my life is/was. That I could live in gratitude more and be present. I’m almost worse now. Getting far enough away from the shock IS NOT beneficial in my circumstance. I go in this four month loop, sadness, gratitude(for maybe an hour), sadness, anger, sadness, despair, and finally suicidality. Don’t get me wrong I am NOT there. Yet. I can feel that gasping of fresh air again. The kind where suddenly you can see that trees have hundreds of individual leaves not just a blob of leaves. I can hear it in the choices of music I identify with. I know myself more now than before. I also know that just because I think it’ll be one way does not mean it will. History does not have to repeat itself. That is after all why history is taught, in the hopes that we will learn and grow from our previous mistakes. For now I will sit and observe as I maneuver through this sludge of a limbo. I can do this. You ARE enough. You can do this Jess. Believe.