Day 195

“And if you’re still breathing you’re the lucky ones. Cause most of heaving through corrupted lungs. Setting fire to our insides for fun. We are the reckless. We are the wild youth. Chasing visions of our futures. One day we’ll reveal the truth that one will die before he gets there. And if you’re still bleeding you’re the lucky ones. Cause most of our feelings they are dead and they are gone.” -Daughter

I was asked today what it’s like being a widow.
I had to pause.
What does it feel like?
It’s like having a cavity where it’s breathtakingly painful. Then it’ll stop hurting and you almost forget how excruciating it really is until once again that pain builds. It’s like living in a movie and you are just waiting for a plot twist or even just for the god damn credits to start rolling. It’s like losing your best friend 100 times a day forever. It’s the loneliest a person could possibly ever feel and I’ve felt lonely before this is not just empty it’s unending darkness. It’s the strongest and weakest you’ve ever felt all at once. It’s learning how to be completely independent. It’s growth at the rate of pain times 10000000000. It’s pulling yourself up when you don’t want to. It’s messy. It’s a journey that few will ever understand but many pity. It’s bullshit. It’s beauty when you aren’t looking. It’s children growing up without a father. Widowhood is not just one word or statement it’s everything all around you. It’s ever growing, ever challenging, ever present.