Day 188

“I’ve fallen from grace. Took a blow to my face. I’ve loved and I’ve lost. I’ve loved and I’ve lost. Explosions on the day you wake up needing somebody. And you’ve learned it’s ok to be afraid. It will never be the same.”

Loss surrounds you.
Every time I hear of someone passing whether I was close to them or not I feel a gut wrenching pain for those who loved them. Being in recovery it seemed to become a way of life. People use. People die. It however is so much more. Someone’s daughter will grow up without their mother. Someone’s sister will find their favorite dress in the back of the closet months from now. Someone’s husband will move on and rebuild a a life but always keep their necklace in their wallet. Grief of let’s say a grandparent is incredibly painful but you can take solace that they lived a long life full of all anyone could hope to accomplish. Drugs rip this from you. They take anything you could have been or done and literally shit on it. Many say “but it’s a choice!” If it was no one would struggle their entire lives with the devil just half a step behind. They would be like you and only have two beers because they don’t like to feel out of control. They would be everything they dreamed they would as a child. Addicts are THE smartest people I have ever met. They know how to survive come what may and trust me you couldn’t handle even a full day in their shoes. I have learned that something that can seem unstoppable will disappear in a second. I was with an amazing man all through my addiction. His personality was larger than life. His laugh made everyone in the room smile. Most of all his heart in the small quiet moments was so huge I wish the world would have known. We knew each other for six years and three of those we spent pretty much every second of everyday together. The good. The bad. The ugly. He was my drug husband and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Unfortunately heroin refused to set him free a year after we parted ways. The funny thing about loss is that suddenly any thing that upset you or flaw you had found evaporates leaving only the core of the individual. It’s like a warm sun ray when you’re freezing. Or maybe you can just finally see the person for who they were all along without judgement. I wish I knew sooner. I hate the round and round of what ifs. Maybe I could have kept him alive longer. What if I answered that call? Does he know I think of him on a regular basis? Is he mad? All very similar to Dave. Was there something I could have done? Is it my fault? Does he regret our time together? Is he lonely like me? Is there even a him anymore? Loss is fucked up. My heart and thoughts are with those struggling on the same fucked up road I travel.


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