Day 33

Little things

Lately there are a million things a day that make me miss you. It’s like when you wake up in the middle of the night totally disoriented and slightly scared. Except it happens all the time. Whether it’s grocery shopping where I still buy the things you ate and then weeks later I have an entire loaf of uneaten bread. How I don’t even know what I like because it was about us and our family. What we liked together. Or when Aj makes the funniest face in the car wash and I want to text you about it with a picture attached of course. Even just picking out bedding I like not just something you can stand. I’m not getting another comforter like we had (you were right). I look down the rows of sheets and still think Dave would hate this one. Maybe this one? I know this one he would like! None of that matters now though. I think going to bed is by far the worst. I miss you rustling around in a bag of chips just to annoy me. I miss decompressing and venting to the person who knew what I was really trying to say. I miss your elbow jabbing me in the head. I miss snuggling up to you after a long trying day. I miss your smell. I miss you. I was folding laundry earlier and thought to myself when was the last time I did yours? I should probably throw it in. Realizing that wasn’t a thing. One of the last things we did together was fold laundry. I literally despise it. Yesterday as we were driving from Costco Aj said “Daddy sky” again I asked him if he missed you he replied “yes” looking out the window. After a moment of silence Aj yelled “Mommy daddy flower” pointing and smiling. It brought me comfort that maybe apart of him understands or that maybe you whispered to him. I feel like half of me is gone without you. I want so badly to keep as busy as possible so I won’t have to wake up anymore. I want to pretend like you never were. I just want it to actually be years from now so I won’t have to live with this boulder crushing me any longer. This whole thing is fucked. We are lucky I didn’t die though you would go nuts 😉 seriously though it’s so much. I hope you saw the Packers lose and I hope it made you smile. I enjoyed just verbally terrorizing Pete and Milks 🙂 love you Papa miss you always.