Day 31

Drowning 

Today has been hard. Though I spent most of the day doing “me time” I still found my self struggling. It seemed like after every minute or two I would think to myself I should text him. I should ask his opinion. I just send him a picture. It was a hard realization once again to remember that you aren’t there. Tried to comfort myself. I can talk to you whenever I want now. You see everything I see but with every affirmation I felt emptiness. There are days where I lied to myself and tell myself you’re just working late. Just to make it one more hour. When AJ asks for you to tell him you’re in heaven but I tell myself that you’ll be home any minute. That this nightmare is almost over. Most days I’d rather knowingly lie to myself than feel the sting of reality. Every memory that floods in I push away. I try to put on a smile each day but underneath I feel like I’m drowning. I tell myself it’s part of some plan and I resent it all in the same thought.
Each day has felt like a year I can’t believe it has only been a month. Izzy has grown so much. AJ is talking way more. We are moving in all the right directions but I feel the black hole of your absence sucking me in. There are so many things I never knew you even did. I should have appreciated you more. I cling to the face that some of our last words were ” I love you ” I hope you know I did and do really love you. I miss you. This FUCKING HELL can end now. I’m getting really tired of pushing each day.