Day 23

Hindsight UGH!

Dear Poopas,

I am realizing as I maneuver through all of the different things that need to be done how much you actually did. That’s right babe I was wrong! You did a lot! Maybe not in the day to day stuff like we would always fight about. In the big scheme things like rental companies (they are assholes) and car insurance and even some day to day things. God you would make me furious. Here you were sitting in your chair while I worked all day, made dinner, did the dishes, put both kids to bed, cleaned the living room, and then maybe just maybe I would be finally able to pee since I had been holding it for three hours. The thing is I never asked you for help. I never noticed how you would help me in the mornings getting everyone out the door. How you called and texted throughout the day to see how I was or just tell me a joke. If I told you it was a terrible day sometimes you would grab dinner so I didn’t have to worry. How you would make sure Aj was set so I could feed Izzy or myself. When I did the dishes you would wrestle with Aj or give him a bath so I could actually complete a task. When you would read “Pete the Cat” three times in a row for Aj while I got Izzy to sleep. Or how at the end of almost every night you would say I appreciate you. I always told you to shut up or that you were lying. I believe you now. I couldn’t see them at the time. I couldn’t just tell you how I really felt on a regular basis instead of holding your inability to read my mind against you. If I could go back I would take all of this new knowledge and understanding. I would breathe when agitated. I would kiss you even when I was mad. I would say thank you for changing out the shower heads at 3 in the morning after we had just moved. I would appreciate you and actually show it.

Today when Aj said he saw you in the sky without any doubt in his voice I could feel you. When we said love you Daddy I felt the emptiest I think I ever have. I HATE that the kids will never know you. I HATE that they will never know how funny, caring, devoted, and loving of father and husband you were. I HATE that this is our reality. FUCK EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS! We really miss you. I really miss you. You can come home now I’ll be different I promise.