Day 21

So here we go

This may make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I’m not what one would call a writer but something is telling to share my journey. Even if it’s only to help me.

On October 11th Dave died. Died….. It’s such a permanent word. Something you can literally never take back or change your mind. I was laying in bed with my son trying to get him to sleep earlier and I had these flashes of all the different places and different ways he has been put to bed. My most cherished one is of Dave rocking him in his chair for an hour every night listening to Lorde Pandora radio. He did that from the time he was five months until he was one and we moved to a different house. Then I remember laying in bed at the apartment laughing at how loud Aj’s snoring was with the vent straight to our room. We both grew to love that comforting sound. When we moved again Aj was much bigger and by then we had a camera in his room to see what he was up to. Both of us would lay there for at least an hour just watching him sleep. I always loved sneaking peeks  of Dave looking at Aj with this incredible love in his eyes. Those were the times I loved Dave the most. Sitting here now and listening to Aj snore I’d like to believe Dave is still here looking at him the same way.

I’d like to believe Dave is everywhere with all three of us but sometimes that logic doesn’t make sense to me. I catch myself constantly talking to him still whether it’s “what should I make for dinner?” or scream sobbing when I’m alone in the car. Time seems to pass to quickly and yet so slowly. I am ONLY  21 days into a lifetime without him and it feels like years. At least 3 years not three fucking weeks. I wavier between feeling like I totally have this to I am unbelievably fucked in so many ways I should have just run when I had the chance mentality. My issue is even if I run I still won’t find him.

Ok so I’m going to stop here. I am not sure how often I will write but most likely once every few days. Feel free to read or not just know that it’s here.