Day 944

“Even if we try to conform to ideals and strive for perfection, we will always be pulled back to our core identity because it’s the path of least resistance for our souls – an energy force that wants nothing more than for us to honor and accept who we are and discover what we’re meant to do in the world.”
― Jennifer Elisabeth, Born Ready: Unleash Your Inner Dream Girl

But when you finally say it, say it like it hurts……. cause it does.

Recently I have felt only stagnancy.
No light.
An absence of dialect I fluently speak.
Babbling rivers making only white noise as I wander.
It is all I have left as the world rushes around me.

Where has my purpose gone?
Did it truly take only this?
The surfacing of that which I already knew existed.
Am I so intimidated by myself that I cannot longer stand my ground in the face of passion?
Have I become a void?
Empty of spark.
My mood neither positive nor negative I apathetically smile in agreement to whatever is stated.

I return to this same pattern time and time again.
Life seemingly a roundabout I am not privy to leave.
Follow the path.
Follow the path.
One foot.
Now the other.
Don’t diverge.
Do not glance to the side.
Looking down even worse.
Follow the path Jess.
One.
*Extend left arm*
Two.
*Feel the sun in your fingers*
Three.
*Brush the flowers in bloom*

The blossoms bouncing above in the wind.
Petals falling as if I am in wonderland.
Many times I wonder if my imagination has gone so far that I do live in my own land.
A realm none are allowed to linger within.
Is this why I find myself retreating to nature so often?

I am seeking.
Always.
“Box it in”
My mind continually is attempting to kill me.
I don’t know if it realizes.
I don’t know why it took me so long to realize myself.
Am I safe with myself?
Looking in the mirror it feels as if a stranger is looking back.
I must not have been looking myself in the eyes again.
I remember after the heroin years I caught a glimpse of myself for the first time in honestly a year straight and it rattled me.
To my core.

I had that same feeling the other day.
I had just been looking at a zit. My eyes fixated on this one giant red blemish that absolutely had to go. As I squeezed I winced in pain.

*Deep breath*
Pause.
It’s ok.
Wash hands.
Glance up to examine hair….. I meet only eyes.
“Hi” the face looking back at me says.
“Hey” I respond slightly perplexed look smeared across my face.

“Who is this girl?” I wonder.
Back turned as I walk to “reality” knowing full well in the end it’s only me, myself, and I.