Day 912

“Success is on the way, I feel it in the distance

Used to look up at the stars and be like ain’t too much that’s different

I be shinin’, they be shinin’, get your one shot don’t you miss it

What you know bout’ wakin’ up everyday like you on a mission?

I hope you learn to make it on your own

And if you love yourself just know you’ll never be alone

I hope that you get everything you want and that you chose

I hope that it’s the realest thing that you ever know” -Big Sean (One Man Can Change the World)

Is the sky finally breaking?

I feel it coming. Fierce wind pushing through the smog that has surrounded me. No wonder I felt lost. Yesterday on the phone with Eric I blurted how I felt like I had hands around my neck. All day everyday no oxygen enters me. I feel that suffocation few can even fathom let alone survive. I have felt it for years. Silent with little isolated explosions.

Bipolar is one giant head game after another. The process to which one becomes aware is grueling and expansive. Full of repetitious pitfalls, illusions of grandeur, or flash’s of stark reality hitting you in the face. Once aware though what are the limits? Once you know your pattern how do you change that ritualistic behavior you are so comforted by? At the very least you know now. To know is to change in itself after all.

I was thinking of Captain Marvel… when she yells “You don’t know who I am! I don’t know who I am.” I felt that deep deep in my gut as I sat in that theater. Later in the movie they show a montage of getting the fuck back up. Again I was almost moved to tears. Others get up so we see it is possible. I pray I become one others can look to when lost and know that they are never alone. Mental illness is so isolating no matter how hard I try to remain “normal”.

Fear not. This is no cry for help. I am helped already. I had to step back to really see. Or maybe I had to deconstruct to see what could be. Dear growth please pay off. I have feed and housed you well through the famine. Now please I ask only for kindness in return.

I have to remind myself often that this is merely a battle won in a larger war yet this time it feels like so much more.

“God/Universe/Spirit

Grant me the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.”

I am strong.

I am loved.

I am enough.