Day 909

There are things that pop into one’s mind over and over again.
Why?
What is the purpose?
I often find myself gazing into the nothing.
The tree branches against a clouded sky.
The old dried leaves still covering the grounds from this last winter.
Listening to the wind whispering or loud angry roars.
Speaking to the moon as she wanes and waxes in the patterns similar to my own.
Reaching towards the sun as I drive on a warm Sunday afternoon blissfully peaceful.

What am I searching for?
Why am I always seeking outside of what is?
What do I expect to find that will heal, harm, or honor that which I have stuffed down into the very core of my being?

I am no longer lost.
I am clear that I know absolutely nothing.
This clarity was hard won and yet tastes so bitter in the phosphorescent that now surrounds my old obscurities.
What monsters did I expect to find?
In the end there was only me……
and my mind.

In the chaos of searching I created a quicksand around me.
None of this shall remain in the end.
You must obliterate to build anew.
A high cost I knew was always at stake.
Is this selfish desire more than ego driven pride?
I pray I am endeavoring for the highest good of all.
Finding my feet after what has felt like years begging on my knees.
Why am I so sad to shed things that hurt not only me but those I love?

Safety came upon me like hawk suddenly swooping in on a field mouse.
I could feel the claws in my back as I rose.
The higher we climbed the further the rings of singed grass spread.
This was all of my own doing.
I created my own cage.
My own mental prison.
Found comfort in the ceaseless solitude that I so repudiated and yet still required.
Like a self-perpetuating prophecy of destitution.
 
As we turned away from the field, my only home, I realized I was not in danger.
It is a profound thing to stand at the edge of your own precipice.
Knowing that you decided to jump or turn.
No one else.
Only you.
I wondered if this was all just the mental illness or if others feel these same moments.
Am I alone in my need for self-knowledge?
Do others struggle as I do?
I was in fact the hawk; the predator.

Then as if in a dream I feel the water lapping at my feet.
A gentle nudge to open my eyes.
“Lay in this space for a moment” whispered to the nothing.
A new nothing.
What am I meant to build?
Will I just burn all that approach as so many times before?

It’s time to get up.
No more lingering in streams of light.
Jump the wall to see all this mental labyrinth truly is.
I am ready.
Brave heart Jess .
YOU are more than the sum of your “failings”.