Day 778

I am having this issue….

Ruminating about how for so long now I have had a longing for something.
Usually very specified in intent for me.
I longed for Prescott.
I long for Christmas of 2002.
I longed for my Mom’s old house in Colorado.
I long for my dog.
I longed for my husband.

What I say next does not mean that I somehow do not miss these things.
Over time I’ve learned that I DO NOT live in reality in my life.
Meaning that most things I long for do not truly exist.

While the house is a house, that’s all it is.
No good or bad.
It is just a physical entity.
While Prescott is an actual town.
It is not what I “remember”, nor will it ever be.
It is a place that holds happiness for me but still just a town.

I was listening to a song and it hit me how much I truly still miss Dave.
I have these phases where I deny that feeling of utter loss.
Eventually it always comes back around.
I remember.
I grieve.
I push it away again.
The thing about this particular longing is that after so much introspection I don’t know what is true reality for him and I.
Two years later I can barely remember his voice let alone our day to day dynamics.

What were we really?
I don’t know for sure that our personalities would not continue clashing.
How would he feel about this new Jess?
Would I even be close to this person I have come to love?
Would either of us be happy?
I wonder what kind of people we would be.
Together and independently.

For most of our last year together neither of us were happy.
That’s not to say that either of us wronged the other purposefully.
We did not know how to communicate.
Simple in hindsight but impossible to pinpoint in the middle of a storm.

We tried!
Our love was strong enough that we did try.
I believe wholeheartedly we would have kept trying and when all else failed we would have remained friends because at the end of the day our love was selfless in a selfish facade.
Maybe we both pushed the other away out of the fear of this loss our souls knew was coming.
That if we had been madly in love like in rom-coms the blow would have been detrimental to the one left behind.

But love alone, pure or not, cannot keep a relationship together.
Love alone cannot skew what is real.
It can skew your perception of reality but that does not make it reality.
It is perception.
This realization in my gut has made me question everything.
Like the realizations before…..
This is necessary for growth.

I have heard the analogy that we are onions.
As I peel back more and more layers I am finding that I have repeatedly harmed myself.
Especially in instances where I have validated my own victimization.
It is it because I have put myself into these situations.
While some were out of my control I have had to ask myself did I really try to learn from the first failure/failures.
Did any introspection occur?
I could have made better choices.
I could have thought before acting.
I could have found my voice sooner.
I could have been stronger.
I could have …..

I am grateful for many of the choices I have made or manufactured.
While there is regret in my past the growth that has come from these life altering choices have been pivotal in my journey; in my story.
I wish that I could have found my true self without pain.
I wish that there is was a drive without anguish.
I wish art was birthed of only true beauty always and never of pure despair.
I seek only:
To give love freely
and wash away anger and hatred each step of the way.
I want to grow and I am willing to pay the price.

It seems that to have authentic compassion one must suffer.
So suffer I shall, if it is required.
I am not alone.

May I endeavor to bring good out of all my bad

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