Day 729

***To actively feel this writing please listen to the music suggested***

Get comfy.
Feet planted on the floor or maybe one on top of your favorite body pillow.
Grab a blanket.
Or sit on your favorite rug in your reading nook.

Find the quiet.
The peace.
Find your space.
Whatever that is.

No right.

No wrong.

Mantra:
“You are loved.
You are enough.
You are not alone.”

Say this slowly.
Purposefully.
Eyes closed.
Or in the mirror.
However your soul will hear and understand.
These words can be heavy on the lips.
Do not be afraid.
It’s uncomfortable.

Now start On the Nature of Daylight

Feel the music for a moment.
Deep breath.
Loosen your shoulders.
Unclench your jaw.
When you are ready continue but for now…
Close your eyes.
Set your intention.

Ready?

Approach a familiar door.
Feel the comfort of the known.
Place your hand firmly on the paneling.

I love the solidity of items such as doors.
They protect that which we hold dear.
While locking in the demons inside.

Pause.
Pray.
Repeat.

Drag your hand down to the handle.
Grasp the cold metal.
Twist.

This is the feeling of a fall breeze on a warm day.
Running your fingertips along the wild flower petals in an open field.
The fluttering wings of a butterfly fighting the drizzle.
Reaching for sun rays as you squint in the light.
It is walking into your child’s room and watching them slumber peacefully.
It is the majesty of red rocks and waterfalls.
Beauty itself.

Let your mind wander.
What makes you happy?
What makes you sad?
Favorite memories you pull from the recesses in your own darkness?

Allow your body to respond.
How is your breath?
Are you emotional?
Peaceful and calm?
Is it happiness or only the emptiness of dissociation?

I found this song in the middle of my fear of water.
I listened to it on repeat as I drove the winding roads of Virginia.
I wanted so badly to capture this feeling.
What is this feeling?

On Monday I got a half day.
I decided to go explore.
Pulling off to a trail.
I smiled to myself.
I’ve never been one for the outdoors.
Yet as I search for gravity Earth calls.

A gentle breeze is bouncing the leaves above me.
Raining yellow, red, orange, and brown.
I step out of my car.
*crunch*
It is that time.
Again.

The time where Mother Nature swells in loss.

“Forward”
I say to this meat puppet vessel.
Earphones in.

*crunch*
*crunch*
*tweet*
The sun is playing in the leaves.
In between hiding among the clouds.
*crunch*

Jamming my hand in my pocket
I pull out my wedding ring
I’ve been keeping it close lately.
Sliding it on like an invisibility cloak.

I divert from the path.
Wander.
Explore.
Attempt.

“I wish you were here”
I say to the air as if you can actually hear me.

“I WISH YOU WERE HERE!!!!!!!”
I scream into vast empty.

“I wish it was me! Not you. Why? This suffering is far too much. I am so fucking weak.. DAMNIT BABE WHY DID YOU HATE ME THIS MUCH?”

I fall to my knees.
Surrounded only by that which the world has rejected.
I thrash about throwing pebbles, dead leaves, sticks, and dirt violently.

Then the scream.
That scream.
Despair.
Anger.
Sorrow.
Hopelessness.

White flag.

Leaning forward and curl in.
Again I am laying on the ground.
In the middle of the forest.

The refuse of earth starts to make itself one with the rivers of tears streaming.
I brush it away.
Smearing the now mud across their trails.

I can’t help but to wonder how normal is this?
Do others feel this way?
Will I lose myself in this loss?

The cloud moves.
One
Single
Stream of light hits my eye as I lay at the base of a tree.

Then like in a movie I am in my safe place.
Our house in PV.
My favorite.
I am laying on my side of the bed looking at the cherry blossom outside your window.
It’s April.
Maybe a Sunday?
I hear Aj giggling as you chase him in the living room.
Then I hear your growl
Followed by the room feet from me filling with laughter.
Your laughter.

I try to get it up.
Nothing about me moves but my eyes.
The pink flowers dancing have always made me smile.
When I came to Maryland in April this year the roads were lined in them.
I thought maybe it was your message to me.
That I was brave enough to do all I believed I could.
Bravery for me though is just a synonym for fear.

The door opens behind me.
My eyes jet from left to right.
I hold my breath as tears distort your silhouette.

“It’s no rush. I’ll meet you here.”
You say in a calming voice.
Momentarily I wonder if that is truly your voice at all.

*Gasp*
I snap back.
Up!
Up!
No.. What?

“Don’t go!”

Standing I glance around to see the tiny line of light once in my eye.
It’s the only ray I see.

“I want to stay there.
I want to go back.”
I whisper.
Salt over taking my taste buds.

Pulling the headphones from my ears to hear a response that will not come.
“I WANT TO GO BACK!”
I scream to the trees.

I feel lost in the outskirts of life.
Like Alice.
I wander in a familiar realm to those around but I am not one of.
I wish this hand on my throat.
Jalapeno in my eyes.
Devil in my spirit.
Would leave.

This is loss.
This is widowhood.
This is the sound of sacrifice.

Even as loss shoves me deeper into my own “What Dreams May Come”.
Even as I begin to truly loss touch with the physical.
Even as I fragment under the weight.
I am proud of who I was yesterday.
And in awe of who I will be tomorrow.

“This is not forever” I reassure myself as I gather the fragmented pieces of my mind.

“You are loved.
You are enough.
You are not alone.”