Day 583

Grief has its claws in me again. Just as I felt the weight lifting the cord broke and suddenly I am engulfed. Why? I have cried out numerous times today why? Please leave. The weight is too much.

My daughter on the way home from school asked to “ go see daddy” my heart sank. I pulled into a 7/11 with tears free flowing trying to hid them from both her and my son. I don’t want them to be sad no matter how much pain it brings me. I wanted to say “Ok baby I will call him” I wanted the choice to hate him and not live with the pain that he will never fully exist to her. I sat there for a minute trying to pull it together enough to see again before Aj chimed in “Daddy in heaben sissy. Ok. He everywhere.” I thought in that moment I would shatter and never reassemble. She says “Ok Aj. Hand” and they held hands.

My heart hurts. Like a million daggers at once. I hate him. I love him. I miss him entirely. In every way a person can be longed for he is loved and missed.

This is my life. My destiny. The path god has laid in front of me.

I wipe my eyes and begin singing “ If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands”

I pray my coping is not detrimental to their own grief cycles.

Later in the night after Izzy is in bed Aj comes to me and says “Tucker in heaben with Daddy? Daddy happy?”

This time I could not hid. Tears started falling as I struggled to keep my face straight. “Mommy you cry? Noooo Mommy be happy! See” as he begins to read me a story.

Fuck. Fuck you for leaving. Fuuuuuucccckkkkk you. I love you. Asshole. You would never survived a day in this life.

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