**Disclaimer: this is my therapy. Please don’t misinterpret or interject you’re own feelings into my grief process **
Tonight a huge part of me wishes I could suffocate from this grief. I wish I could lay like in a body of water and float into oblivion until finally I went under. I spend months. MONTHS! Not realizing our anniversary, though not a legally binding contract any longer, was coming. It creeped like a snake (my most loathed creatures). No rattle. No hiss. Just the sudden bite. Take me grief. What ever you are seeking out just TAKE IT ALREADY! I know it’s not my life. Perhaps my soul. Maybe you are the only one who could understand this soul anyway.
I have a widower friend. He waits and waits. Patiently. For his wife to arrive again. “That would make everything right again” I cringe. This is not my path. If you arrived……. you would find only a stranger. Maybe the same on the outside but a completely different woman inside. I envision you looking me in the eyes searching for the girl you once loved only to find a fiercely independent woman. Strong. Resilient. Everything I never was. I have no idea if this would bring joy or sorrow to us both. I am not the same babe. A huge part of me is sorry and sad for that. I want to be able to say if you appeared my life would be perfect… complete again but it wouldn’t.
So here I lie on the eve of what would have been our third year of marriage. Sad for what never was and never could be. I don’t know what to think. I miss you. I love you. But also I hate you. Even if everything I am was birthed out of your lack of breath. I want this constant pain to cease. Let me be! I have fought so hard just to crumble to tears over and over again. Fuck it. I will watch real housewives and forget I was ever a real “real housewife”
P.s. I’m so sorry I called it #marriage you really were my everything.
I miss you so so much Poopa