Day 406

I’m so crazy

I am so fing crazy

I started my job in May. Where I work is a big corporate building, totally new environment for me. At all three entrances you have to badge in and then walk past a security guard.

Each morning:

*beep beep*

“Good Morning”

“Good Morning Jessica” says the old man behind the desk. Smiles exchanged and then I go to the elevator.

Each night:

“Have good one.”

“Thank you. You too!”

Off I go to the parking garage.

Normal right?

At least I am still capable of normal acts.

Well there is a specific security guard.

He has been specific from the start. I would see him almost every night and feel squirrelly inside.

I couldn’t understand.

I would be internally dialoging trying to figure out what made me so …… nervous? I’m not sure the feeling.

A couple months back I heard a security guard downstairs had lost his wife to cancer.

I knew exactly who.

Pause

I had NOT spoken to this man other than greetings. Same as with all the others. I don’t even know his name. I still don’t!

Breathe

I always say souls see each other long before words can even form in your head.

In hindsight I wonder how I knew.

My soul knew since May without actually knowing.

Again.

But she was alive then…..

For months now I have wanted to approach him and introduce myself but again I don’t know his name. I didn’t even know if it was him. I think there around about 20 security guards in total. Each time he worked I saw him. Day after day I would say upon entering my car “you need to say hi”

Every.

Damn.

Weekday.

Walking out I said “Happy Thanksgiving” with a smile and left. I made it to my car and set my purse down like always. Pulled out a cig and the chaos in my head ensued.

The following is transcript from the actual conversation I had with myself.

OUT LOUD!

“There’s Polo’s book.

Fuck

FUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK

Yes. Yes I hear you.

I’m going to look insane.

Also the book is signed to me and says “fupa” in it.

Lol

I am crazy

I’m going to freak him out!

I’m freaking me out.

Fuck

Fuck

Pen

Ugh

I can’t write.

What’s my number?

Fuck

Babe!

Why?

I am crazy

I am CRAZY!

Totally off the deep end at this point!

I’m going.

I’m shaking like a maraca.

Listen!

I.

AM.

GOING.”

I pulled around and parked closer to the door. Grabbed Polo’s book and had to run to the door in case I tried to run for the hills in fear. Approaching I could see others around. No matter I was on a mission.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure I might have an answer.”

“Are you a widower?”

“…….yes”

“I’m Jess, I’m a widow too. I wanted to share this with you.”

Handing him the book.

I am losing it I think……