I’m so crazy
I am so fing crazy
I started my job in May. Where I work is a big corporate building, totally new environment for me. At all three entrances you have to badge in and then walk past a security guard.
“Good Morning Jessica” says the old man behind the desk. Smiles exchanged and then I go to the elevator.
“Have good one.”
“Thank you. You too!”
Off I go to the parking garage.
At least I am still capable of normal acts.
Well there is a specific security guard.
He has been specific from the start. I would see him almost every night and feel squirrelly inside.
I couldn’t understand.
I would be internally dialoging trying to figure out what made me so …… nervous? I’m not sure the feeling.
A couple months back I heard a security guard downstairs had lost his wife to cancer.
I knew exactly who.
I had NOT spoken to this man other than greetings. Same as with all the others. I don’t even know his name. I still don’t!
I always say souls see each other long before words can even form in your head.
In hindsight I wonder how I knew.
My soul knew since May without actually knowing.
But she was alive then…..
For months now I have wanted to approach him and introduce myself but again I don’t know his name. I didn’t even know if it was him. I think there around about 20 security guards in total. Each time he worked I saw him. Day after day I would say upon entering my car “you need to say hi”
Walking out I said “Happy Thanksgiving” with a smile and left. I made it to my car and set my purse down like always. Pulled out a cig and the chaos in my head ensued.
The following is transcript from the actual conversation I had with myself.
“There’s Polo’s book.
Yes. Yes I hear you.
I’m going to look insane.
Also the book is signed to me and says “fupa” in it.
I am crazy
I’m going to freak him out!
I’m freaking me out.
I can’t write.
What’s my number?
I am crazy
I am CRAZY!
Totally off the deep end at this point!
I’m shaking like a maraca.
I pulled around and parked closer to the door. Grabbed Polo’s book and had to run to the door in case I tried to run for the hills in fear. Approaching I could see others around. No matter I was on a mission.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure I might have an answer.”
“Are you a widower?”
“I’m Jess, I’m a widow too. I wanted to share this with you.”
Handing him the book.
I am losing it I think……